Swarthmore Phoenix, 1987-04-03 | TriCollege Libraries Digital Collections (2024)

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THE PHOENIX VOL. 107, NUMBER 24 SWARTHMORE COLLEGE »SWARTHMORE, PENNSYLVANIA APRIL 3, 1987 Seminar Overload Predicted By DANIEL KAUFMAN Patterns in the recent selection of majors and minors by Honors applicants in the class of 1989 highlighted what several department chairs describe as a growing problem of seminar oversubscription in the humanities and social sciences. The Political Science Department had the most noticeable increase in applications to its Honors program this year, receiving approximately 19 percent of all Honors applications as compared to 11 percent last year. While pointing out that some students who apfily do not get accepted and others may decide to go abroad next year. Political Science Department Chair David Smith acknowledged, "It looks as though the seminars are full for the next two years." English Department Chair Harold Pagliaro said that his department felt the "numbers crunch" beginning last year and discussed the matter thoroughly. "How do we handle this? An important consideration was 'do we turn away students qualified for seminars?1 But if we accept them, how do wc deal with the problem of courses? We're taking teachers away from them. It's not a good idea to have either." History department Chair Robert DuPlessis noted that his department had identified a similar problem of overcrowding several years ago. "It's a little bit bigger than it used to be because we are a department with a majority of Honors majors. With the same resources, more people are seeking the same places." DuPles*is added that the problem of overcrowding has probably not worsened this year. However, he also acknowledged that the recent reduction in the faculty's minimum teaching requirement from six to five credits and the increased accessibility to seminars under the recently approved Honors reform proposal may force his department to pursue what would be "not necessarily the most desirable" alternative of hiring more faculty To accommodate the class of 1989 applicant pool, the departments are splitting some of their seminars into two sections, frequently taught by different professors. Smith stated that his department will feature at least three additional seminar sections within the next two years. Pagliaro commented that he had explicitly told all applicants that they were essentially "signing up for subject matter" when they submitted Honors proposals instead of particular professors or seminars. Some of the problems with oversubscription for the Class of 1989 result from the greater number of applications from the Professor of Political Science David Smith SteW J°n" Bryn Mawr Faces Dire Financial Difficulties By JOHN EMBREE The administration of Bryn Mawr College has proposed an austerity program of large spending cutbacks and increased revenue in response to a financial report which warned that the college would face severe financial problems within five years, including substantial erosion of the endowment, if current spending patterns persisted. The report, which was prepared by the Cambridge Associates financial consulting firm at the request of Bryn Mawr's administration, warned that under the present program the College is spending 9.6 % of its endowment yearly. This rate of expenditure, coupled with market gains, would lead to a net 10% drop of the «*"dowment to approximately $B2 million by 1992. Under the proposed program, however, the annual drain on the endowment would be reduced to 3.8% during the same time frame, with the resulting endowment totalling close to $lOB million by 1992. The report also revealed that much of the depletion of the endowment had been due to the use of the liquid portion of the College's portfolio, which is normally reserved for emergencies, Wfpay off deficits. The program is the result of a mandate to the administration from the Board of Trustees to return the College to financial equilibrium by 1992. The Board will discuss the administration's proposal at its April meeting and will make a final decision at its meeting on May Ist. One of the central proposals entails severe cutbacks in the College's graduate program. The Graduate School of Arts and Sciences would be cut to four departments: Russian, Classical and Near Eastern Archaelogy, Art History, and Classics. Other graduate programs, including Human Development and Social Work & Research, would be required to become financially self-sufficient. According to President of the College Mary Patterson McPherson. the administration Bishop Huddleston Denounces Apartheid By STEVE SU "We are now witnessing a violent struggle, initiated by a violent government, using every single means of oppression open to it, including the abuse of children," alleged Bishop Trevor Huddleston with regard to the South African regime. "The continuance of apartheid cannot lead to anything except the escalation of violence." The Bishop, who spent twelve and a half years in South Africa and is intimately involved iii the anti-apartheid movement, spoke on Thursday night at the Friends Meeting House. "Even as I am talking to you, people are being destroyed. And they're being destroyed in violence because inherent in the whole system of apartheid is violence itself." The government, he alleged, employs "draconian penalties," including the "most advanced, highly articulated and efficient" military and paramilitary occupation of the black townships to deal with dissenters. He claimed further that "no soldier, no policeman, no paramilitary can be guilty of murdering" a black, by law. The South African government conveys to the world that it is fighting communist-inspired terrorism when in fact, Huddleston declared, the struggle has nothing to do with this ideology. The government "uses every known method of oppression, and uses these methods most effectively against the majority of the population." The Bishop cited the detention without trial of at least 4,000 children as further evidence in support of his allegations and claims to have "affidavit after afidavit" documenting the use of torture. Criticizing the western democracies, especially Great Britian, for their refusal to "heed in any constructive way the appeals of the black African population," Huddleston attributed inactivity to economic motives. "The only reason the western democracies will listen to this, [South Africa's explanations] is because of their deep self-interest .in their investments within the apartheid structure." "What is happening today is not something which has suddenly begun to be a major world issue, but something which for the whole of the century has had within itself a challenge to the conscience of the world and has gone largely unrecognized, until recently." The Bishop explained that the struggle began 75 years ago when the African National Congress was created by blacks in response to the first Native Land Act. Under this act, 87 percent of the landincluding industrial and agricultural—was "defined as white." According to Huddleston, the movement set out initially to oppose racial discrimination —Mark Bartlett Bishop Trevor Huddleston Commons May Become Office Space By ANDREW AFFLERBACH Major renovations which are planned for this summer in Parrish Hall will convert Parrish Commons to office space and turn the former bookstore area in the basement into a lounge Although exact plans have not yet been finalized, the proposed renovation would convert most or all of the Commons to administrative offices while the old bookstore space would also serve as a new location for the language lab. Honors exams, traditionally held in the Commons, 1 would be administered in the old larbies building. Vice President of Finance Loren Hart cited a greatly increased need for office space in Parrish as the reason for the changes. If the remodeling takes place this summer as planned, the new offices and lounge will be available for use this fall. Hart said that the cost of the renovation is "tough to speculate on," but suggested a minimum of $300,000. The renovation decisions are made by the Space Committee, chaired by Gordon Cheesman. Registrar Jane Mullins, a committee member, described the changes as being "still up in the air." At this point, two proposed office space configurations are before the committee, which will meet in two weeks to further deliberate on the proposals. Committee members mentioned several advantages to having an office area in the Commons and a new lounge in the basement. Offices in the Commons area would be used in the day, thereby taking advantage of the large windows. Current activities in the Commons usually occur at night. According to Mullins, the Parrish office employees are accustomed to the high ceilings and large windows and thus would not wish to work in the basement. In the committee's opinion, the most attractive alternative for the college community as a whole is to put the lounge in the basement. "The college is willing to spend money to make a good lounge in the bookstore ... The empty space is foolish to waste," explained Mullins. Final decisions about the renovation will not be made for at least another two weeks. Mullins and Hart both believe that the remodeling is likely to be approved—only specific details remain uncertain. * —Christina Theofilidis Renovations could end student meetings in Parrish Commons continued on page 8 continued on page 8 continued on page 8 INSIDE THE PHOENIX Grapes Tune Up p. 5 Lottery Changes p. 9 New Track Coach p.U

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Avoiding the Rush The weeks preceding spring break can often prove a hectic time for sophomores, with R A interviews, job searches, and midterms filling their schedules. Yet, students are never so nervous and tense as when the time comes to pick a major. Although such a vital decision is inherently stressful, problems can arise in different departments which make the process more troublesome than it should be. Take Political Science for example. The department has had an unexpectedly enormous appeal for the class of 1989 as Honors applications have soared over forty percent in one year, to say nothing of the much larger applicant pool in the class of 1988. The department has tried to accommodate the greater applicant pool by dividing three seminars into two sections each, yet Chairperson David Smith readily confesses that every seminar is filled for the next two years, thus further restricting the students' options. Smith also acknowledges that several applicants were unaware that seminar application for the department was on a first come/first serve basis; some of them emerged with undesirable programs resulting from what can only be called a technicality. The procedure for seminar selection is of dubious fairness, especially when students are left in the dark on application policies, but Political Science should not be criticized for its present trouble in accommodating large numbers of applicants. In fact, other departments with substantial Honors participation such as English and History are still reeling from rapid applicant increases in recent years. The same fate probably awaits other programs in the Humanities and Social Sciences divisions, quite possibly as a result of the reduction in the faculty teaching workload to five credits per year. Finally, with greater accessibility to seminars becoming a cornerstone of the Honors reform plan, even the Course-heavy sciences may one day find themselves confronted with seminar oversubscription. As several chairpersons would agree, the alternatives chosen by departments up to this point are probably only effective on a short-term basis and may lead to even greater dilemmas in the long-run. Cutting back the number of students accepted into Honors would exclude many applicants who deserve the opportunity of pursuing a seminar program-the central argument of the Honors reform plan. Splitting seminars, in addition to frustrating students' attempts to select their desired professors, merely postpones the necessary hiring of additional faculty. Although some departments are scrambling for part-time teaching assistance from outside the College, History Chairman Robert DuPfessis is justified in his fear that the seminar increase will damage the Course program. Either courses will drop slowly from department curricula or visiting instructors who have reduced scheduling flexibility and little commitment to Swarthmore wil teach them, once again detracting from the goals of the reform plan. If the minimum teaching workload will not return to six credits, then giving burdened departments an extra full-time salaried position may be the only answer. Adding full-time faculty might very well reduce the departmental problem (professors could take leaves of absence without having to worry as much about disastrous cumcular consequences), but would probably not eliminate all the u nneeded hassle which students often encounter while planning their two-year programs. If departments do not want the administration imposing uniformity over their individual application systems-whether they are based on first come/ first serve, seniority, lottery, grades, or instructors" preference, then they must assume the responsibility of keeping their students aware of the entire process. In addition, having more communication between departments within a division would insure greater flexibility and cohesiveness in students* programs. As students, we certainly have an obligation to work out our own programs, but we also deserve a fair shake from the beginning and throughout the process. If we perceive that the faculty are doing everything they can to help us, then much of the tension associated with applying for seminars goes away. The Deans' Office & Alcohol To the editor. _ I am writing on behalf of the Deans* office in response to your editorial of 3/27/87. A brief statement of our alcohol policy would necessarily oversimplify it and lead to further misunderstanding, so we will confine ourselves to clearing up just a few points. The first matter .we want to comment on is the cases of the students who have brought before the SJC. We want to apologize for our part in making the cases of the students public. Under the impression that they had been made public independently of the Dean's office, we unthinkingly compounded the problem. We have apologized privately and now , w Ui. The Phoenix of course bears some responsibility here as well In deciding to write candidly about a matter that might have been handled discreetly, certain students were harmed, and their right to privacy compromised. Since we know that it is not the policy of 'The Phoenix to harm students or compromise rights, we can only assume that the editors published the offending material for the sake of what they took to be some more important consideration. Perhaps they felt that not to do so would have been selfcensorship of a kind that would undermine freedom of the press, and that such freedom was the more important issue. Whether that is correct or not is hard to know, but we are confident that the process of deciding was a profitable lesson in the complexity of freedom. The second matter we want to comment on is The Phoenix's portrayal of our alcohol policy. We believe that the best way to deal with this misunderstanding is not to approach it head on, but to clear up certain specific misconceptions. Most importantly we want to make dear that neither the Deans, nor the Administration, nor the College provides alcohol, nor is our policy "outside the law" or "unlawful." First, the Deans do not provide alcohol, freely or otherwise. Alcohol is purchased either privately or out of student activities funds which the Administration gives over to the virtually complete control of the students. It is purchased to be consumed at parties which we permit students to hold in accordance with rules designed to foster responsible behavior. We do not prevent the purchase of alcohol with the money for several reasons. One is that our policy is one of encouraging student control over their own affairs generally. Another related consideration is that we want students to learn discretion and maturity in the use of alcohol. Still another is that we are concerned that, if students want alcohol and are prevented from obtaining it this way, they will resort to obtaining it under more dangerous circumstances. Serious misuse of this privilege can and does result in its revocation in specific cases. Indeed, the policy in general is under review. There is nothing unlawful about students (who are over twentyone) purchasing alcohol. However, it is unlawful, under certain circumstances, for it to be served to students under twentyone, and though we do not condone it, we know that it goes on on the campus. If we do not condone it, yet we kow that it goes on, why do we not prevent it? If we have to provide a simple answer to an enormously complex question, let us say that the steps we would have to take to prevent it are too much of a threat to the open atmosphere on the campus that we think is essential to the kind of learning and growth that we are trying to foster. Consider the following analogous situation. Recently there have been thefts and incidents of vandalism in the game room. Still, the Deans decided against installing surveillance cameras. We did so because we did not want to establish a precedent which could threaten the open atmosphere essential to the kind of freedom we want to preserve on the campus. Needless to say, we would have been within our legal rights to install the cameras, or even to station a guard down there checking each person who entered. If we did not do so it was not because we condone theft of vandalism. Similarly, if we do not require, say, guards at parties to check for age, it is not because we condone underage drinking. There is a vagueness in our .attitude toward alcohol, but it is not in the matter of whether we condone illegal drinking. We do not. The vagueness concerns* how much we are willing to compromise the openness of the campus to prevent it. But this sort of conflict, freedom versus certain other values, or even freedom versus freedom, is necessarily a matter of complexity and contention, and it comes up over and over again. Perhaps The Phoenix will appreciate the point if i we remind them of the recent » correspondence over whether "offensive" letters should be . "edited." If The Phoenix chooses r not to do so, is it because they have r a policy of offending? I Again if a cure of a vaccine is not i found, we are very likely to have to I decide soon whether to institute t widespread testing for AIDS or allow it to spread. If we choose not to test, in order to protect privacy and/or other freedoms, will The Phoenix describe us as having a policy of spreading AIDS? The Phoenix's oversimplification is a dangerous matter. It not only misunderstands our alcohol policy and our liberty, it threatens both. The line between defending our openness and condoning illegal drinking is a fine one, one that can be obscured if the former leads to too much of the latter. And The Phoenix's misunderstanding is* surely an encouragement to more illegal drinking, and to turn our openness into license. If that happens, and all discretion is abandoned we will certainly be pushed to some extern in the direction of a more restrictive alcohol policy and a less open campus. Not to understand the complexity of freedom will certainly lead to a decrease of it. We look forward to cooperating with The Phoenix in fostering the understanding of complexity and (he discretion which protects our Richard Schuldenfrei Associate Dean Veal Zeal -To the Editor » What with the nuclear threat, racial bigotry and various environmental horrors, animal rights have never loomed large in my ken. Last week, however, I read In the Inquirer how calves are raised for veal—really, no food is worth that kind of animal suffering. If the students here asked the Food Service to stop serving veal, I'm sure they would—it's very expensive anyway. And when you go home, don't eat it! If we move the whole Demand Curve to the left, maybe we can make Supply unprofitable. Rita Pierson Economics Department Club Ads To the Editor: In last weekV editorial Slurred Communications you mistakenly stated that The Club mentioned vodka in its latest advertisements. Perhaps you confused the organization known as The Club with some private group holding a party in the space known as The Club. In any case, I know we didn't advertise vodka because we're too cheap to serve anything but watery beer anyway. Doug Horgan P.S. Drop by for some cold Old Mill water this Friday if you like. P.P.S. That is not an ad. Phoenix opinion April 3,1987 THE PHOENIX SWARTHMORE COLLEGE. SWARTHMORE PA 19081 P«d> S. Has* & Peter B Khpstein Editors in Chief BMfcHwfcW Managing Editor Join fanfare* * Robert Former I»trM Lwlm News Editors Opinion Editor Grace Ssdgrr Mark Kenward * Brad SUtawn Features Editor Sports Editors Ciady HvmMcM Mike CConneH Entertainment Editor Graphics Editor Mark ■arti* * MaVaw Waag Photography Editors ■rraa f ■ km * Naß Sn-caaaa Gary Wkuefeerg News Associates Fentnres Associate Circulation* * Financial Manager Adwtaraf Manager CBAPHKS ST APT: taihtas Bedtsaaan, Michael Chafer. John Erier. Sal Traachina PfMrrOCSAPHEKS: Ntoaaac Chtfoaae. Eria Scott. Greg Saw Ciady Thomas The Phoenix m g 11T li rI oa Fndays throaghoat the semester by the stadents ol T ißiihain ra>p rimaiiailaißiiir ' "-«*"-«—--«»—^- Haft 213 32M173. Printed by Press Pabbshsag Co . Dreset Hal PA 2

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'86 Has a Touch of '68 BY FRANCOIS PICARn- FOREIGN OBSER VER Paris, March 22—Sunday afternoon in Clothier Hall over a coffee with a couple of friends. The semester seems endless; all the near future has to offer is a long night in McCabe. To stall the inevitable return to the grind, someone sighs, "Man, college must have been better in the sixties, everyone here is a yuppie," and thoughts go out to an era we never lived, to Jimi Hendrix and Abby Hoffman. We did not experience this period, but it is nonetheless an invaluable part of our cultural baggage. We sometimes feel like we will never mark the next generation as broadly. The skepticism of the young student of the 80's is not unique to Swarthmore or to the United States. In France, May '6B is a legend that seems to continually overshadow us. The students of that generation are condescending towards our passiveness; after all, the French student left was going nowhere fast before November 1986 despite institutional and financial crises in our universities. Until the mid-70's, students acted for the extreme left, be it trotskyst, anarchist, or maoist. But job security, and not cultural revolution, is the main preoccupaton of young people today. Students still vote, reluctantly, for the Socialist Party whose commitment to Marx is purely verbal. As for the Communists, because of their rigid mentality they are on the road to dipping below 5 percent at the next election as opposed to close to 20 percent in the seventies. <f Student unions do not answer the pragmatic needs of today's students but engage instead in long polemics about obscure nuances of political ideology. While the unions argue about Poland, our universities decay. More and more students over twenty years has meant less and less money. As one sociologist explains in relation to the overcrowded universities, where research only begins at the graduate level, "the quasi-permanent crisis of the universities since close to twenty years ago is symptomatic o( a deep split between the acquiring of knowledge, be it educational or professional, flnd the social usefulness of mdivlo^flu's.*10'" B *° noi,o:"ik «'>" H ; .utin acm \ uiiu. /JlllJll lOOOJIK . 3WII>)I And so the nation that spends the most per capita in the world on defense, spends the least in Europe per student on higher education. Yet-the government is not the least bit alarmed by the situation; the ruling class in France forms its financial and bureaucratic elite through the "Grandes Ecoles," highly selective universities with entrance exams. Students here are sensitive to the shabby state of higher education, and the pragmatism of today does not mean that they have lost certain left-wing notions. Without the heavy dose of marxist dogma, students remain egalitiarian. They denounce racism, authoritarian politics, be it from the East or the West, and they are tired of being stereotyped by the media as a generation solely concerned with money. The worry over job security is to be distinguished from the adherence to the free-enterprise ethos. When the right returned to power in March 1986, it perceived its victory as a mandate for free-enterprise. And so the Government proposed a reform of, among other institutions, higher education. The bill proposed three main changes: a return to the sovereignity of full professors on the borad of managers, increased selectivity by way of entrance exams for undergraduates and graduates, and, to compensate for the government's lack of investments, increased financial support from private corporations. Students denounced the bill, citing as a source not Das /Capital or The Little Red Book, but the Constitution. Selectivity means that higher education is no longer "accessible to anyone who has a high-school diploma." Students were frightened by the nature in which private corporations were being incited to participate in higher education. It implied an evolution towards a vocational education, as experienced by certain Japanese universities. Non-scientific subjects could be sacrificed in the name of productivity. American corporations understand that for a flexible work force, a well-rounded liberal education is indispensable, thus the massive support they bring to the development of the arts in higher education. French businessmen segregate work from leisure; and so physical exercise and intellectual distractions are never associated with one's work. This view is already evident in French education; the bill would have only increased the gap between the Krite^'Stn-SKMiF."cultura*.*»>' *»"« '<»■■> in»<A«sli«ft on strike,-bur not to alienate society, as was the view in 1968, but to integrate it. The strike had an anarchist twist to it; students exprssed their views in general assemblies, which debated and decided action. A "Student Coordination" was set up at the national level; it recognized that the local general assemblies were sovereign. Anarchy came not from lack of structure (that's called chaos) but from a systematic rejection of leaders. As soon as someone spoke in the name of the movement, he or she became immediately unpopular. The second important aspect of the strike was legalism. The students were preoccupied with respecting the individual. Violence was nonexistent until we confronted the police two weeks after the strike began. We let the right and the extreme right express their point of view in general assemblies, and women were as present as men among the student leaders. Our preoccupation with legalism led one editorialist to comment "May 68 was Utopia without ethics. November 86 is ethics without Utopia." The strike was massive and peaceful until the government grew tired of our enormous popularity among the public at large. In 1968, violence turned public opinion against the students. The government was ready to take the risk of triggering violence in order to delegitimize us. The government made a serious mistake. The student of the sixties and seventies was extremely "politicized", and thus sectarian, ready not only to confront the government but the rest of the left; often violence was an integral part of the student's ideology. The student of the eighties is not a radical; demonstrating means defending his/her future job security. In this case, all the students were united for one purpose, the withdrawal of a piece of legislation. No need to be violent to express one's point of view, especially when this view is the same as that of hundreds of thousands of high school and college students. Many were demonstrating for the first time feeling comfortable in the absence of political machines. Thursday, December 4, 800,000 people demonstrate in peace through Paris. At nightfall, the demonstration reaches its finishing point, the National Assembly. The day before, the Minister of the Interior's head of security stated to an indiscreet journalist, "a few broken windows and the students will lose their credibility." Police shoot tear gas and water cannons at the students in response to uproyocateurs,*'wfid are plainclothed policemen. This tactic has been used time and again, notably at the 1968 Democratic Convention by the Chicago police. One student gets his hand blown off by a smoke bomb; another loses an eye. Friday, December 5. the riot police close the Sorbonne by force. During the night, a student is beaten to death by riot policement on motorcycles. The student happens to be the son of an Algerian immigrant. Saturday, December 6. Some students, but mostly older people riot in the Latin Quarters at night. Cars burn, stores are looted. Sunday, December 7. The evening news shows footage from Thursday night: fascist commmandos are seen surging from behind police lines to attack students, and a man in a yellow scarf is seen throwing cobblestones at the police within an arm's length of the latter, who passively watch. Monday, December 8. Talk of a general strike burgeons. At I p.m. Prime Minister Jacques Chirac announces on national television that the legislation is withdrawn. By being legalistic, by emphasizing the democratic principles upon which our constitution is founded, the students won gain of cause. Sadly enough, even though the legitimacy of the government was never quesitoned, the latter felt the need to resort to violence in the face of such stubborn opposition to a part of its free-enterprise program. Victory is bittersweet because our universities remain unadapted to our needs, bittersweet because a "copain" (friend) is dead. Yet nothing will ever be the same for our generation. We learned that in the face of opposition, a capitalist regime resorts to racism and violence and abandons the legalistic system it is supposed to defend. We learned that governing via the base, and not the head, can be effective. We learned that grassroots coalitions work. These lessons are to the detriment of our highly centralized political parties and student unions. On the occasion of the twenty-fifth anniversary of the end of the Algerian War, Elie Wiesel was asked to write an editorial for the newspaper Liberation. He refers in his article to the importance of young people: **2s years of struggles, challenges, defeats (have been) mixed with a few victories. All that was needed was that the French youth become conscious of its strength for Algeria to gain its independence. All that was needed was that the American youth manifest itself to stop the Vietnam War." There is no epilogue to what happened in November/December; the struggle to stop the decay of our universities has been tempered down by midterms and the polemics of the student unions; despite the General Estates organized for this weekend, many students are counting on the enthusiasm of next fall's freshmen to spark the students. Next year promises to be interesting as always, especially with presidential elections scheduled for a year from now. Our Neighbor Cuba BY GEORGE HURCHALLA FOREIGN OBSERVER 7 The United States has recently stepped up its aggression against Cuba in a different way, after 25 years of sending CIA sponsored terrorists to attack it. In those 25 years the U.S. has failed miserably in its attempts to defeat the Cuban Revolution. The Reagan Administration has now made an attempt to condemn Cuba before the UN Commission on Human Rights, and it launched a .vigorous lobbying effort some eight weeks ago to convince the 43 countries on the Commission of the honorable humanitarian interests of the United States. Given the past history of U.S. aggression against Cuba, many countries were skeptical of the claimed motivations of the United States. Why now? Why wasn't the U.S. concerned with human rights when the CIA blew up a Cuban plane in mid-flight in 1976, killing some 70 civilians? The Cuban newspaper Granma recently pointed out the hypocrisy of the U.S. effort: **The U.S. government is directly responsible for the outrage of South Africa, the tortured and missing in El Salvador and the repression in South Korea. But it is also smeared at home with the violation of the most basic rights of millions of human beings, unless Native Americans, Macks, and Hispanics resident in the United States are noV defined as such." The prize testimony of the U.S. before the Commission was that from Armando Valladares, the "wheelchair poet", who was used to show the lack of artistic freedom in Cuba. Valladares described in detail the horrors he experienced in Cuban prisons, claiming such interesting experiences as being thrown in a ditch full of raw sewage with used tampons floating in it. The fact that the U.S. was able to parade Valladares through the limelight as a credible figure is a tribute to how well the press is controlled in this country. Nearly every journalist in the United States has lapped up his stories without verification, and groups such as Amnesty International have been so moved by his testimony that they have added Cuba to their letter writing campaigns. Journalist Warren Hinckle of the San Francisco Examiner went to Cuba in an attempt to verify his story and discovered some interesting facts. Though Valladares claimed to have been crippled by torture, he had in fact been one of the healthiest men in prison and had no need for a wheelchair at all. This explains his "miraculous" recovery which allowed him to walk off a plane into France in 1982 after he was released. Nobody in Cuba had ever heard of Valladares as a poet. He was "a Batista policeman who was convicted of possessing detonators and explosives and being involved in a sabotage campaign against the revolutionary government. Many suspected that the "tortures" he suffered were ones he inflicted as a Batista policeman and expanded upon by his vivid imagination. Unfortunately, Amnesty International has been manipulated in this case by the U.S. government, because it has suited Reagan's interests to invoke the neutrality of A.I. to back up the propaganda campaign. In A.I. reports on El Salvador and Chile, though, Amnesty's findings are often dismissed as "biased". The gains of the Cuban Revolution are the primary reason for the U.S. aggression, as it. has been an annoying example to nations of the Caribbean and Latin America of what people can do when they gain their right to self-determination. Sadly, they are hampered from achieving their full potential, as is Nicaragua, by the amount of money they have to devote to maintaining a ready force against U.S. invasion. Despite the deeply entrenched history of macho culture in Cuba, they have already surpassed the United States in regards to the equality of women in society. The workforce oonsists 37% of women who make equal wages to their male counterparts, and any mother who wants to work is provided free daycare. Women have the right to free, safe abortions with Cuba's exceptional health care system, which is coming dote to its goal of providing one doctor for every 128 people. A law was even paased in 1976 stating that the male spouse had to share equally in household duties. The educational system in Cuba is considered one of the finest in the world, a nd Cuba has a literacy rate only shared by Canada. Instead of formula education, the Cuban system advocates approaching problems in a variety of different ways to achieve a solution. The health care system is a tribute to the exceptional system of medical education, in which 70% of the students are women. Not only have they achieved free health care and education for all, but they have provided housing for all as well. A report in Granma elaborated upon the advances of the electrical industry, which has now provided electricity to 85% of the homes in Cuba. Free elections are held on the local level through the system of Poder Popular, or Popular Power, in which Communist Party candidates have no advantages over anyone else who runs as a candidate. Each person has their picture and a short platform of their positions put up in a place in the town square. Thus the officail is elected on his/her popularity in the community, and not on how many he or she can buy votes. Furthermore, the officials can be recalled at any time by a popular vote. All these faint have been achieved despite a complete U.S. embargo on trade and travel, and 25 years of unceasing aggression from Cuba* giant neighbor to the north. Now that Nicaragua has also chosen to become independent from the U.S., it is facing hostility on an even larger soak. Clearly the U.S. is desperate to maintain its economic stranglehold on Latin America, and the first democratic achievement* of Cuba were an embarrassment that the U.S. has never recovered from. April 3,1987 -Phoenix opinion 3

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Don't Be Late, Prognosticate about 1988 I >BY JOHN O'REII TY POLITICS THAT MATTER I Well folks, it's that time of year againactually, it's not, but here goes. The Presidential primary season is almost upon us—only 274/~shopping days unti Super Tuesday. Smart shopprs can use this handy consumer's guide to candidates to keep track as the races heat up. First let's look at the poor Republicans. They're losing the Gipper, the Vice- President couldnt arm wrestle Cybill Shepard to a draw, and the religious right is in the morality doghouse. Jack Kemp scares people. Bob Dole bores them, and Alexander Haig simply offends them. And if Pete duPont could gather a crowd, he'd probably do something bad to them too. Seriously, George Bush has lost on both sides of the Iran deal. If he was involved, then he is guilty of lying to everybody and violating the same doctrine he promised us Reagan hadn't violated. If he wasn't ivorved, then he was sleeping at National Security Council meetings, not the best way to instill confidence in his leadership. Plus, As Richard Nixon knows, eight years of a feelgood president is about all the U.S. has been able to stomach—Nixon lost in 1960 after 8 loyal years of "I Like Ike." Bush has a good shot at the GOP nomination, only because Republicans have a fatal flaw for gratitude to undying loyalty. Smart Bush isnt, but he is loyal. Bob Dole is not the front-runner, which means he's the favorite. Dole is right on Bush's shoulder, minority leder of the Senate, with good national name recognition, and the firt caucuses are in lowa, which is farm country, like Dole's home of Kansas. Bush has enough trouble with crowds, but crowds in lowa have been hostile, so Dole stands to make a great deal of progress. If Dole can manage to keep expectations down before lowa, his victory there (and he will win) will carry him through. The Most Reverend Pat Robertson doesnt stand a chance, and not because of Jim and Tammy Baker's departure to the Studio 54 lifestyle. Robertson won't sit well with all but a small segment of the fundamentalists, and he will disappear before he emerges. God will tell him to drop out before the Pennsylvania primary in April. Jack Kemp has slowed down considerably from his momentum of last year. Kemp intimidates his crowds with the drastic nature of his simplistic visions of the future. However, it seems that Dole will steal most of the "soft" support that deserts Bush. Kemp is too conservative for even the Republicans after eight years of Ronnie. Only Al Haig, Pete duPont and Don Rumsfeld (who?) remain, and they'll go away, soon enough. Now, for the Democrats, who have many distinct advantages. They dont have to offer much other than improvement on what Reagan's been up to. They have to stop criticizing, and start talking about what's good and what's better, not what's bad and could be worse. Trade will not win the election; the deficit, SDI, arms control, fanning or anyrthing else we might think could turn the tide. The Democrats will win simply because they aren't the Republicans. Gary Hart, my ex-best buddy, seems to be in good shape on the surface, but is actually all but dead in the water. He's carrying a massive debt from 1964, to the tune of SI million plus; he has little "core" support, people who will vote Hart no matter what; and he will have trouble given the primary schedule. First is lowa, where Gephardt will do very well, stealing a lot of the attention. Next is New Hampshire, where Biden and Dukakis will get all the attention. And then Super Tuesday, where all but a couple Southern states vote. The massive voting a week after New Hampshire will guarantee that media coverage in the week following New Hampshire will determine the Democratic nominee. Hart wil lose out because he's not a new face. The departure of Mario Cuomo will help Joe Biden, Senator from Delaware. Biden is a tremendous speaker, and solid legislator, and he has enormous media potential. He will split the New Hampshire vote with Hart and Dukakis—Biden will get all the attentionsnd will emerge in the South. Dick Gephardt could do well, but he doesn't have the charisma to go all the way. Gephardt is from Missouri, so hell have an advantage in lowa. However, hell have trouble dragging supporters away from Hart, Dukakis, and Biden. Gephardt is also very dry and analytical, and wont have the appel of Biden or even Hart. Jesse Jackson will continue in his valuable role of retaining legitimacy for the Democrats in the attraction of black voters. They will support the Democratic nominee regardless, but Jackson must not be discredited. He is the focal point of young blacks today, providing a crucial political referenfrraait. Jackson may even win a few primaries, especially on Super Tuesday, if no other candidate has emerged. Unfortunately, Jackson simply won't receive mass support from whites, for a number of reasons, some unjustifiable. Finally, there are a number of minor candidates on both sides—Sam Nunn, maybe, or Paul Laxalt, but they will fizzle quietly. Thus, the races are set. The major candidates will announce before summer, and the campaigns will begin, believe it or not, next Labor Day. Look for Biden to emerge and win a tight race for the Democrats, while Dole will destroy and discredit Bush (finally). Biden (and his running mate, Bruce Babbitt of Arizona) will win a narrow victory over the Dole- Kemp ticket, and go on to lead eight years of recession and arms control agreements, to no particulary spectactular conclusion. Remember, folks, you read it here first. George Bush couldn't arm wrestle his mother, let alone Cybill Shepard. LETTERS Nothing Funny about AIDS To the editor: We are writing in response to Rasheed Abou-Alsamh's article, "Look Toto, Arkansas" printed in last week's Phoenix. First, we would like to make it clear that we are in no way opposed to gay self expression. Every person has the right to express their beliefs. However, there are more appropriate ways to do so. It is not that publishing an article with a gay orientation is offensive, but rather the manner in which it was written. There are several passages that appear to be designed with no other purpose than to offend the reader, whether they be gay or straight. In the first place, much of the content is not appropriate for the Phoenix. The subject matter may be a current campus issue, but the tone of the article is better suited for a Penthouse forum than a newspaper at a small, intellectually-oriented, liberal arts college. The overt references to sex would be out of place, whether they concerned hetero- or homosexual relations, in any such publication. Rasheed writes that he and his friend decided to "...walk up and down the street a few times to see if we would get any action. We felt like prostitutes walking up and down our territory." In the first place, this passage is tasteless, but secondly it does not seem to serve any conceivable purpose. Why is it included? We don't know. The second portion of the article that is particularly offensive is when Rasheed jokes about the AIDS crisis. He writes "...I could grab a pair of the braces, suck on them and spit them out, declaring triumphantly, '1 have AlDS!'while laughing hysterically." AIDS kills an increasingly larger number of people each year, including both Homosexuals and heterosexuals, and is certainly not a laughing matter. We find it hard to believe that any responsible member of the Swarthmore gay community would make a joke about AIDS, especially after attacking the Phi Sig Libation invitation that made light of Liberace's condition, who recently died of AIDS. It is even more tasteless to laugh about giving anyone a deadly disease. We would like to once more emphasize that our response is not aimed at the gay community but rather at the specific way in which Rasheed chooses to portray his lifestyle. We can find no justifiable reason for the offensive approach of the article. If it is intended to elicit a response from the student body, it undoubtedly achieves its purpose. However, we believe there must be a more positive way to educate the heterosexual community about homosexual interests and concerns. This approach does not seem to achieve any constructive purpose, and we hope that Rasheed's article is not representative of the gay community as a whole. At first we hesitated to write this letter for fear of being labelled homophobic and anti-gay, but after reading Mr. Abou-Alsamh's article again we felt we had no choice. Jim Magleby 'B9 Julie Merson W Rich Winkelmann 'B9 Leigh Earls *B9 and thirteen other students SC & You: A Winning Team To the Editor: What is Student Council? What does it do? And what are those minutes from February doing up in my hall? These questions are commonly asked, and 1 want to take the opportunity to answer them. Before tackling the first question, let me talk about what student council is doing. Last semester, the administration formed a committee to consider doing away with October break. Student Council placed a member on this committee to protect the interest of the students. She fought to get more student input and sent the students a questionnaire. As a result of this, we still have October Break and a small Reading Week. Another project that is being worked on is opening up the college on the Saturday before Spring Semester begins. After arriving on Sunday this year and discovering; that many students were forced to sleep on cold floors in Parrish Annex the previous night. Council decided that the extra day would do a great deal for students who are travelling long distances, changing rooms or returning to campus from leave, or are searching for a cheaper plane fare. This proposal is being considered by the deans now, and maybe it can be in place next year. Well, you ask, what is SC supposed to do? It basically forms a bridge between the students and the faculty, staff, and administration. Council wants to look out for student interests and to make Swarthmore a better place to be. Of course, we ha vent been doing a fantastic job of that lately, but we're working on it We NEED your input, ideas, and in some cases, help. Here is a case where we need your help. You've probably noticed that there have been a great deal of non-students on campus at parties, in the gameroom, and other places. These non-students may be the cause of damage to the gameroom, and the administration may consider shutting it down if the vandalism does not stop. Also, high school kids at parties may lead to a much stricter alcohol policy, especially .if one leaves campus drunk and is involved in an accident. Help us out by asking these students to leave, and if that makes you uncomfortable, call Security and have them do it. High school kids should not be responsible for the taking away of our privileges as Swarthmore students. Again, I want to stress that SC is at your disposal, so let us know what you want us to do. Get in touch with us by checking the Student Council board next to the Business Office in Parrish, and call one of the people posted there. We welcome all students at meetingswe're meeting on Sunday at 9:00 pm at the Black Cultural Center. Also, look out for the Student Council study break on Wednesday at 10:00 in Tarble Sorry we haven't been in touch, but let's change that Phil Weiser NO Stand up to SAT's To the Editor Greetings from Brown University. Wc are a group of concerned students who would like to share with your undergraduates a referendum which we are sponsoring at Brown. Our purpose in having the Brown student body vote on the resolution: "The College' Admission office should no longer require prospective Brown students to submit SAT scores" is to determine whether this was a pressing issue within the Brown community. We believe from the initial response of our undergraduates this is indeed a timely issue. Your school (as you know) is considered a "selective" college. The SAT according to many is an important factor only at selective colleges. We disagree that it is an important factor anywhere. Many questions can be raised about the SAT. We believe the time has come when high school seniors across this country should stop having to pay to take a test which indicates the socioeconomic positin of the student's parents rather than the student's ability to work. Why do minorities do worse on the test than their educational disadvantages can account for? How substantive can the test be if some coaching companies regularly improve scores more than ISO points? How genuine are the scores if so many people are known to cheat on such poorly proctored exams? How can Educational Testing 'Services (ETS), whch makes the SAT, be trusted to monitor its own performance when this, their most profitable test, accounts for much of their revenue? The Scholastic Aptitude Test is not objective: it is not a valid or reliable standard. Great as it might be to have such a touchstone, this test is not it. As David Owen writes in his devastating book, None of the Above, There is nothing genuinely objective about a test like the SAT: it is written. compiled, keyed, and interpreted by highly subjective human beings. The principle difference between it and a test that can't be graded by a machine is that it leaves no room for more than one correct answer." ETS does not have a monopoly on knowledge, though we are measured by its researchers' judgements. Needless to say, many who think creatively or split hairs do not do well on such a test, though they do well in school. The Carnegie Foundation for the Advancement of Teaching, which helped the College Board create ETS, has brought to public attention in a report soon to be published that most colleges need not require their students to take the SAT, because most colleges no longer admit selectively. If they are going to let everyone in anyway, why should they require their applicants to spend time and money on a test they dont need? This means that Brown, and your school, as well as a few other colleges who do have competitive admissions, are the only ones who benefit from the program at all. If we get little use out of the SAT, why should we worry about jeopardizing its place in the testing market? When the influential Carnegie foundation's report .convinces many colleges who don't need it to actually drop it, the cost of the test will climb, and we will more urgently ask "Why not us too?" _ As students at Brown we are concerned about the SAT being used on our campus. Questions of bias, inaccuracy and practicality lead us 4o push for a reevaluation of the SAT on our campus. The time has arrived for wefsic], the undergraduates of "selective" colleges to question the entire testing industry in this country. Perhaps, this is an issue which . members of your campus would like to raise and question. Thank you for your attention. Michael Spalter *B7 Founder, Students Against Testing Brown University Apfll 3,1987 ■Phoenix opinion 4

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Singers Tune Up For Jamboree By LISA BYRNE This weekend the Grapevine will host the spring Jamboree. Six groups will be featured: four from Swarthmore and two from other schools. "Drama, passion, intrigue, murder, where else can you get it all for free?" said one Grapevine member in describing their program. The 13-woman a cappella group has been hard at work over the past few weeks. Besides rehearsing their own numbers, they were also responsible for selecting the non- Swarthmore groups for the show. They sent letters to groups at about SO different schools and listened to a number of tapes before making their final selection. Among their criteria were a sense of humor and a style that would add variety to the Jamboree as a whole. The groups chosen were the MIT Logirhythms, a male group, and the Colgate Swinging Gates, a female ensemble. The Sophisticated Gents, appearing in their fourth Jamboree, will perform songs by Persuasion, a New York-based a cappella group, and will throw in "a few surprises." The group includes two new members this semester: Kyle Anderson "89 and John Richardson 'B7. Says Da mien Jackson "88 "it should be a good time." Sixteen Feet will present "family entertainment for the entire campus." These wholesome young men have prepared six songs on the general theme of chaos. Baritone Darin Weyrich stressed the fact that the group "looks up to Jeff Odell as an inspiration, not only in the musical area but as a human being, in the physical and spiritual sense." Perhaps we will discover the deeper signifigance of this statement Saturday. The newest addition to the Jamboree's roster is Effervescing Elephant, Swat's first and only "psychedelic a cappella group." Newest Elephant member Ethan Knapp pointed out that this is an informal group, where there is a lot of room for improvisation. They will perform songs by Pink Floyd and the Violent Femmes. All of the performances will feature new material and there will be a special ending in which the groups will unite to sing the last song. The Jamboree will be held this Saturday at 7:30 p.m. in Lang. The Grapevine perform in Mephbto's last semester _Mark Barttett FILMS... HLMi>...FILMS...fILMS. Comfort and Joy By PATRICIA MCGINLEY The life of "Dickey Bird," an early morning disc jockey, is m Fott'yth's edmjwt ■ Forsyth's earlier movies (Local Hero and Gregory's Girl), the setting is Glasgow and the storyline evokes the sweet humor characteristic of Forsyth's work. "Dickey Bird" is the radio name for Alan Bird (Bill Paterson). Bird is abandoned t>y his kleptomaniac girlfriend iust a . few- days before Christmas and he is searching For a meaning for it all. Then he ;ets involved with the local ice [ream vendor wars. Mr. Bunny and Mr. McCool ire at war and somehow Bird winds up right in the middle of the feud. Although-Bird enters the conflict mistakenly while in pursuit of a woman, he soon becomes obsessed with resolving the problem between the vendors. The funniest moments, hough, take place during Bird's radio show when his personality is unleashed and the nild-mannered, thirtyish man jecomes an eccentric airline wonder. Also notable in Comfort and Joy is the excellent cinematography. Especially in the many twilight ind p re-dawn shots. "Comfort and Joy" will be shown tonight at 7:30 and W.iH) p.m. in Dupont. The film runs 90 minutes. Sullivan's Travels Released in 1941, Sullivan's Travels is the story of John L. Sullivan, a director who has produced classic comedies such as Ants in Your Pants but who wishes to move on to serious drama. Needless to say, Sullivan's attempt to identify with the poverty of "the common man" is more than amusing at times. He decides that he must actually experience the lives of the bums and other down-andout types of this world, so he embarks on a series of travels including dressing as a hobo and hopping the train.' His journeys eventually bring him into more than a little danger and Sullivan finds himself falsely accused and sent to a prison camp. Here director Preston Sturges indulges in long stretches of distinctly serious movie-making himself, and at times the transition seems odd. However Sullivan's Travels is a fast-paced film (with editing set to "WtHiam Tell's Overture" and is filled with many comic moments of life "on the other side of the tracks." "Sullivan's Travels" will be shown Saturday at 7:30 and Io.iM)p.m. in Dupont. The film runs 93 minutes. Film Festival Over the course of the next two weeks. Film Society will be presenting a special mini-film festival instead of its regularlyscheduled Wednesday night films. The theme of the festival is "Films by Women About Women" and includes four recent works. Rather than show a large number of mediocre movies, Film Society chose this year to selectively choose a small number of finer films to constitute its thematic festival. The films are: One Way or Another (Cuba 1977), directed by Sara Gomez. Tuesday, April 7, Marianne and Julianne (Germany 1981), directed by Margaret he Von Trotta. Wednesday, April 8. Women—The Two of Them (Hungary 1977), directed by Marta Meszaros. Tuesdav April 14. City of Women (Italy 1980), directed by Federico Fellini. Wednesday, April IS AH films will be shown at 7:30 and 10:00 p.m. in Dupont. The four films represent a range of attitudes spanning four13 countries'.1 The 3 festival cOritWdeirwitfr a 1 fernptrr'oTafe' director's film about women. Watch for forthcoming information describing each I film. Off-Campus Budco Springfield Twin (Springfield, Olde Sproul Village) 344-6510. Police Academy IV: 5:15, j 7:30 A 9:55 p.m. Nightmare on Elm St.. Part III: 5:30. 8:00 A 10:15 p.m. on Friday. Eric Twin Clifton Heights (Clifton Heights, north on Baltimore Pike) 623-3770. Blind Date: 6.1 M). 8:15 A 10:15 p.m.. Platoon: 5:30. 7:45 A 10.110 p.m.. Media Theater (Media, 104 E. State at Monroe) 565-7116. Children of a. Lesser God Radio Days Call theater to verify limes. Theatre of the Living Arts (Philly, 334 South St.) 922- 1011. Working Girls (USA, 1986): Feminist filmmaker Lizzie Borden presents a wryly comical and non-judgmental tale about a middle-class brothel in a Manhattan highrise.Through April 9: 6:00. 8.1 X) A 10.1)0 p.m.. The Rocky Horror Picture Show: Midnight on Friday A Saturday. The Roxy Screening Room (Philly, 2021 Sansom St.) 561 - Oil 4. Come and See (USSR, 1985): Powerful film by longostracized Russian director Elen Klimov about Hitler's invasion into Russia. Through April 9: 7.D0 A 9:40 p.m.. Attractions & Distractions fVldajr Drama: Villanova Theatre presents Stephen Sondheim's 3 Sweeney Todd, a unique blend of beautiful music and macabre melodrama. For tickets call the box office at 645- 7474. Tonight through April 4, April 8-11 and 22-25 at 8 p.m.. Concert: The Swarthmore College Wind Ensemble with Geoffrey Michaels conducting. 8:15 p.m. in Lang. Dance: "A Pouring Forth", a concert by Patricia Hruby. Tickets are $4.00 for students. Tonight and tomorrow at 8 p.m.. Conwell Dance Theater at Temple University. Call 787-6177 for more info. Concert: Living Earth tonight and Pretty Poison tomorrow at the Empire Rock Club, Roosevelt Blvd. and Princeton Ave., Philly. Call 338-6101 for more info. Comedy: Kevin Rooney, Todd Glass and Chris Coccia appear at the Comedy Works, 126 Chestnut St., Philly. Showtimes are 8:30 & 11 p.m. tonight and 8 & 11 p.m. tomorrow. Call WACKY—9 7 for more info. Theater The Bryn Mawr/Haverford Theatre Program presents Wendy Kesselman's "My Sister in this House", based on a real incident. Kesselman is a recipient of Guggenheim and National Endowment of the Arts fellowships and is a four-time winner of the ASCAP Popular Award in Musical Theatre. Tonight through Sunday and Thursday through Saturday, April 11 at 7:30 p.m.. Goodhart Auditorium, Bryn Mawr. Saturday Conference: The Philosophy of Human Studies Conference will be held at Glenmede Hall, Bryn Mawr Call W 645-5326 for more info. Jamboree: A cappella extravangaza, sponsored by Grapevine. 8:15 p.m. in Lang. See article this issue. / £°"cert: R'ccardo Muti conducts the Philadelphia / Orchestra in a program that includes the world premiere of Ralph Shapey's "Symphonie Concertante", the third of six works commissioned by the Orchestra in celebration of the bicentennial of the U.S. Constitution. Also works by Mendelssohn and Prokofiev. Andre Watts is the featured soloist. 8:30 p.m. at the Academy of Music, Philly Call 893 1930 for ticket info. Concert: The Haverford/Bryn Mawr Chorale will perform British musk. 8 p.m. in Marshall Auditorium at Haverford. Concert: The Brearley School Chorus, an all-women's chorus performinp s by Copland, Randall Thompson, Simon Sargon and Sarr jel Wesley. 4 p.m. in Lang. S«H4iay Film: Alfred Hitchcoc 's Vertigo at 3:30 and 7 p.m.. Erich Von Strohelm's Gmea Wednesday AprilB at 7 p.m.. Part of 5 the Cultural Film Seri s. Tickets $1.50 for students. All showing in the Connel / Center Cinema, Villanova. Film: Showboat is beii j shown as part of the Moonstone, Inc. tribute to Paul R< beson. 2 p.m. at the Northeast Regional Library, Cotm m and Oakland Sts. Concert: The Camerate Strings of Philadelphia, performing works by Mozart, Rossini and Grieg. Call 972- 7642 for tickets. 3:00 p.n. at the Pennsylvania Academy of the Fine Arts. Concert: The Bryn Mawr Renaissance Choir. 3pm in Thomas Great Hall, Bryn Mawr. MamOmj Lecture: "Popular Action in Modem Central America" 6 given by Arthur Schmidt, Professor of History at Temple University. Call 5664507 for details. 8 p.m. in the Bam Meeting Room, Pendle Hill in Wallingford. Wcadajr Theater. The Philadephia Festival Theatre for New Plays 7 -presents Better Days by Richard Dresser, a dark comedy of working-class survival in a New England mill town. Tonight through April 18 at 8 p.m. (Tuesday through Saturday). Harold Prince Theatre, Annenberg Center, 3680 Walnut St. h"r«d»y Dance: Student Spring Dance Concert by the 9 Swarthmore College Dancers. Sharon FriecDer, director 4:30 p.m. in Lang. Compiled by JENNIFER NOLAN April 3,1987 Phoenix entertainment 5

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Enterprising Students Begin Pizzeria On Campus By GRACE BULGER After weeks of problems, Matahari's, a campus pizzeria run by students, has successfully gotten underway. Mark Valli "89 and Melissa Wong "89 came up with the idea of starting a pizzeria after realizing that there is no real sitdown pizza place in the vicinity. Following the precedence of the successful student-run Bomba's Restaurant, they decided to start one on their own. Betsy Hayes "89 and Kathy Chung *9O joined Valli and Wong in founding Matahan's, which turned out not to be such an easy proposition. Their original plan was to make the pizzas themselves, using SAGA's ovens and selling the pizza at the snackbar in Clothier. Hayes explains, "We started out making pizza for the snackbar to get experience to make pizza for Matahari's," which was to be sponsored by the Club. SAGA balked, however, claiming that letting the students use the ovens could cause insurance problems. Valli, Wong, Hayes, and Chung temporarily gave up on the idea of making the pizzas themselves, and decided to buy them "at a small discount—very small," Hayes says, from Renato's in the Ville, and then serve them once a week at the New Club. One of the students runs out every 45 minutes to get more pizza, which can, if necessary, be kept warm in the Club's ovens. Matahari's is open from 5:30 to 11:00 p.m. on Fridays in the New Club. You can get cheese pizza for $ 1.00 a slice and for $B.OO per large pizza. Pizza topped with sausage, pepperoni, or mushrooms runs at $1.25 a slice and $9.00 for a large pizza. Doesn't sound like too great of a deal, you say? Well consider this—you get all the beer you can drink, free. Not bad. Although Hayes, Valli, Wong and Chung have not been making too much money yet, they have been able to cover their costs, and they have plans to expand in the coming weeks, possibly adding nachos to their bill of fare. They have not given up on one day making their own pizzas. however, they hope to strike up a deal next year with CustoiriS Management. . Despite the hard work involved with beginning Matahari's, "the experience has been more than educational for its student directors. Hayes explains, "It's been fun. It's definitely been worth it." 1953: 'Girls' Let Out Past Midnight The Way Things Were= The following article addressing the debate over whether to liberalize the curfew policy for Swarthmore women was printed in The Phoenix on December 15, 1953. Viewing the WSGA rules from the point of view of a former student, I find the 1953 version of the rules uncomplicated and free from restrictions. As late as 1949, for example, the privilege of unlimited midweek 12:30s was determined by a girl's academic standing. If our rules are compared with those of other colleges, again our system seems very simple. The chief demand made of a woman student is that she sign out and in when she is going to be away during the evening. The closing hours of 12:30 during the week and ccassional 1:30s seem reasonable if a girl is to get enough sleep and do her work. She has unlimited weekends if she chooses to use them. The WSGA system of penalties has the advantage of being impersonal and automatic. A girl usually knows ahead of time what the penalty will be for lateness or failure to sign in and out. The present rules do encourage individual responsibility. A student has the choice of deciding whether or not she wishes to be out until 12:30 every night or to go away every week-end. She is given the responsibility of arrangingp her plans so that she will be back on time and of notifying the night watch woman if she cant get to her dormitory. She also must take the responsibility of deciding whether she is going to evade the rules or to -abide by them, as reasonable requests for group living. Why do Swarthmore women have rules about signing out and closing hours? The main reson is that when a large group is living together some rulings must be made for the safety and health of the group and for the convenience of those responsible for it. As a precautionary measure, it seems wise for a girl to indicate her destination in the evenings and on week-ends. Almost everyone would agree that a closing hour is desirable and that 12:30 is a logical time. Even those who differ with this point of view agree that it is a reasonable position to take. One change that I would welcome is the growth of a real honor system in the women's attitude toward all rules. An honor system would be effective, however, only if it was supported by strong student opinion. Until an honor system does develop, we must be content with almost whole-hearted cooperation from the women students and barely enough misbehavior to make an assistant dean's job exciting. A girl who in her first three yers has proved to be capable of obeying the liberal restrictions put on her is given senior privileges. This permits her to stay out until 4:00 a.m. on weekends, with relatively late hours for weekdays. Again the honor system seems to be very effective. Also, as in the other colleges mentioned here; liquor nad men are strictly forbidden in the young damsel's room. Big Brother, My Friend and Employer Hands Off Myopia/ Dave Samuels- Don't worry about the government, David Byrne says. Well, I'm worried. This is no ordinary worry, either. You see, I'm going to be working for Uncle Sam this summer, so I have to prepare myself psychologically for the lurking madmen in the corridors of power. Madwomen too, I'm sure—the government is an equal opportunity employer, you know. I know they're nuts because of the amount of background information they warn from me before they would hire me. I'm warning you now: unless you're prepared to answer questions about anything and everything, dont bother to apply for a federal job. Things seemed simple enough at the start. I got an internship through the Food Policy program here at school. Real important bureaucrat I'm a-gonna be, working on US food policy. 11l probably lick envelopes, clean toilets, and get the boss's ham on rye with mayo every day. (It's for the 'experience,' right?) Actually, I might do some real work,although I certainly am not looking forward to working 9-5 every day during the summer in Washington, D.C., city with the perspiration of insipid yuppie bureaucrats coming out of the faucets. I love humidity, don't you? Love them paisley ties the insipid ones chokes themselves with, too. And I joined up. What am I turning into? (I have no paisley, thought. Wonder if 111 fit in?) The United States Agency for International Development, or USAID, is not a capitol hill power mongenng entity which rivals the Defense Department for size of budget and rivals the CIA in secrecy of its operations. Rather, it is a benevolent organization which attempts to promote well-being in underdeveloped economies. However, the office weenies over there seem to think that they are the Defense Department, if you take a look at all the forms they sent me. This is where I start worrying about the government, when they send me, along with the standard application for Federal Employment, a "Security Investigation Data for Sensitive Position" form, and a fingerprint chart. Security Investigation? What am 1 going to do, steal paper clips? Sabotage food distribution in Burkina Faso? These guys must have a big inferiority complex. But they were serious. I, a poor, sappy college students who has volunteered to work for the summer for no pay, have to be grilled on minute details about my past. Get this—they want to know every place IVe lived, every school IVe attended, every job IVe held, the names and addresses of my immediate family, whether I've been arrested or questioned by "authorities" (does that include my mom?), any foreign countries I've visited (Canada counts, right?), and of course, the essential, "Are you now, or have you ever been, a member of the communist party USA, or any communist or fascist organization?" I love it. They want me to check yes or no, with no explanation. At least they're non-partisan. I checked no, sports fans. (At least 1 can always count on the Fifth Amendment.) 1 did, however, substitute Donald Duck's fingerprints for my own. They also want to know every "organization" to which 1 belong What the hell does that mean??? Softball teams, a temple, etc. Do they really care if I pay dues to the Gumby fan club? Am I a national security risk if I am a dues-paying member of the Diehard Cubs Fan Bleacher Bum Club? Well maybe I am a member of the Islamic Jihad, but why should I tell them? I tried to be as honest as possible, and that's what worries me. They must have tabs on everybody. Can you imagine the computed files they must have? Yikes! I should be thankful I don't have an interview. A friend once applied to the ClA's legal division, and he got the "strap the punk to the chair and make him squirm" treatment. Imagine this: you are a recent college grad, and the CIA wants to check you out, just to make sure you won't sell secrets to Botswana or some other world powerhouse that is a threat to democracy. You arrive, and they sit you down in a room. A windowless room, with what appears as a mirror to you, but what you deduce is a one-way window on the other side. They're watching you. You wait for the interviewer. And you wait, and wait. 10. 15,30 minutes, you sit in a windowless. stifling room, in complete silence, knowing that some unknown person in writing down your every movement and facial expression. Finally, the interviewer walks in. (Remember, this is a true story.) It's a she, and a very attractive she. She strides in powerfully, dressed in a suit. The first thing she says is "it's very hot in here," and she takes off the suit jacket. She has no bra under her blouse. You were perspiring, now you are sweating. Any already nervous male would react nervously; my poor friend claimed that this woman acted deliberately sensual throughout the interview. What that means to him, 1 don't know. Nevertheless, it sounds like a devious CIA type thing to do. I was only asked to write down organizations and jobs, but my friend was asked such questions as "Have you ever smoked marijuana? If so, when was the last time? How many times? Often or just recreationalry? Have you ever taken any other drugs? Often? When? Recently?" They grilled him harder than a SAGA hamburger. And they weren't done with just drugs—they asked him about his sex life too. Amazing! "Are you a virgin? No? Oh, so do you have a girlfriend? No? So, kid, are you a homosexual? (This is true, I swear) No? Anyway, so what do you think of the Georgia sodomy law?" My friend claimed that this interview lasted seven hours, with no break. Seven hours in a sealed room with a woman straight out of the SS mind-games division. I am thankful not to have to endure (hat, but they want more from me. Another form said "If you are selected for a position you will be required to sign- this document at the time of your indoctrination." Indoctrination??? Hey buddy, 1 didn't sign up for a lobotomy. Oo boy, I can't wait to see what neo-fascist right wing slimeball ideology they want me to believe. 11l probably come back in the fall campaigning for Pat Robertson, and fighting for reinvestment in South Africa. The form that says that, by the way, is the "Standard Form 189, Classified Information Nondisclosure Agreement." Here. 11l translate that: Dont be a spy, cuz if you do, you're gonna die. Yes, they are actually afraid of hiring subversives. Or maybe they send that only to Swarthmore students. USAID, dealing with classified information? Wonderful, all 1 want to do is help feed the starving masses, (just a typical Yuppie assuaging his conscience) and I have to wear dark sunglasses in the office and say "no comment"when a friend asks me what I'm doing for the summer. Along with those forms, there were two, count 'em two, forms which I had to sign which basically allowed the government to waive any rights 1 might have had under the Privacy Act, which is supposed * to protect me from undue searches *and investigations of my life. Oh well. So I've signed my soul over to the beast. So guys, do you want my eating habits? How many times I go to the bathroom each day? My shoe size? How I like my steaks done? Would you like to know where I would like to stick those goddamn papers? Hey, I've read the Communist Manifesto. Hey buddy, I'm all for "secular humanism." Evolution rocks, man. And the world is round, too. Betcha I'm a danger to humanity for thinking such base, evil thoughts. Maybe 111 go to the interview wearing a Colonel Qadaffl fan club t-shirt, and 111 talk about what wonders the Sandinistas have done for the Nicaraguan economy. They'll just love me! (if 1 get a paisley tie). This little foray into the world of government paranoia has really bugged me. Whyjs my government wasting time and money investigating me, and countless others? Aren't there enough forms floating about? It really bothers me that they refuse to trust an American citizen who has volunteered his time to gain experience, not money, not even glory. I'm not like some Phoenix columnists who scab off connections for a cushy job in some flashy New York law firm, no I wanted to do time this summer. But all I get is a distrustful Uncle Sam. Makes me wonder. If you can't trust your own uncle... Phoenix features April 3,1987 6

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Suzanne Vega: Simple Songs Of Confrontation By CINDY HIRSCHFELD On May 2nd, Swarthmore will play host to folk-rock singer Suzanne Vega, whom John Rockwell of The New York Times calls "the strongest, most decisively shaped songwriting personality to come along in years." Vega and her band will play for a minimum of an hour and a half in an afternoon show on the baseball field. Vega was the top vote-getter from a diverse list of about thirty artists who were available, both in terms of budget and touring times. The list was compiled by the Big Event Committee, which investigated suggestions submitted by students last fall. All performers who fell within Swarthmore's relatively small budget of $ 10,000 and had plans to tour in the spring were put on the final ballot. (The budget is small only in that most "name" performers charge in the area of $30,000-540,000 for a single show). Of the S 10,000 being spent on the Big Event, $5OOO goes directly to Vega, $2500 are production costs, $l5OO is for the stage, and $5OO are paid as agent fees. The remaining $5OO will be used for food and drinks authe Event. Vega hails from New York, although she was born in Santa Monica. She has become a fixture in the folk music scene there, having frequently performed at clubs such as Folk City and the Bottom Line. The inevitable comparison between her and Joni Mitchell has been established. She has also been likened, through her interpretations, to Lou Reed, who perhaps typifies the New York musical environment. .Vega herself cites influences that include Mitchell and Reed, plus others ranging from the Police and Chrbsie Hynde to Laurie Anderson and Philip Glass. Vega's background could be considered eclectic. Her mother is German-Swedish, her father Puerto Rican. When she was sixteen, her family became involved in Nichiren Shoshu Buddhism, a form of meditative Buddhism. Vega attended the prestigious High School of the Performing Arts and went on to major in English at Barnard College. Vega's songwriting efforts date back to when she was 14. Since then, she has developed a perspective that is at the same time both detached and objective while being almost painfully selfconscious. She takes as a subject, for example, an instance of overwhelming power, and describes it in a carefully constructed metaphor: "1 am friend to the undertow/1 take you in, 1 dont let go/and I have y0u..." Stephen Holden of The New York Times describes her method as "the freezing of a moment in sharp, idiosyncratic detail in order to hold it under a microscope." Her songs evoke the image of "a fragile, fiercely self-protected sensibility under siege." Vega told the Times that "My musk is not as romantic as the old folk music was—it's not pastoral or escapist. 1 grew up in tough New York neighborhoods, where what you see looking out the window is harder and colder than The things you'd see in the country. A lot of my imagery is about confronting, not escaping." Vega's Buddhist background is also evident in her work. Many of her song structures recall the chants that are an integral part of Buddhist practices. "Chanting also may have had an effect on my songwriting, since it's repetitive—a rhythm that goes around and around—and a lot of my songs have striking, circular rhythms," Vega has said. One of the most apparent aspects of Vega's style is her crystal-clear, vibratoless voice. Her singing tends to emphasize the detached viewpoint of her works. This style seems to have been, consciously cultivated. The Times quotes her as saying "I loved Astrud Gilberto and thought everyone should sing like that, without vibrato which seemed so corny and sentimental. 1 also liked Judy Collins because her voice seemed pure and didn't have a lot of vibrato." Vega's debut album, entitled Suzanne Vega, was released on A&M Records in 1985. One of her songs, "Left of Center", was featured on the soundtrack for the 1986 movie Pretty in Pink. Her album was especially successful on the college charts. Those who saw Vega's performance at Haverford during the fall of 1985 know that she is capable of putting on an effective and insightful show. Her upcoming concert at Swarthmore will demonstrate how, if at all, her ■ music has grown over the last year and a half. In a review of a concert at the Bottom Line last May, Stephen Holden writes, "Miss Vega is changing—and right now it's all for the better." A Call for Help The Big Event Committee is seeking volunteers to assist on the day of the concert. People are needed for stage crew, security (the bigger, the better), hospitality for the band and crew, and errandrunning. If you are willing to donate your time and energy towards making the Big Event successful, contact any member of the Committee: Paul Caro, John Gastil, Betsy Hayes, Cindy Hirschfeld, Valerie Lieber, or C.J. Malanga. hVSRN Classical Highlights Monday, April 6 7-830: Schubert: Symphony No. 10 830-1020: Overtures by Wagner 1020-12: Malcolm Arnold: Piano Trio No. 1 in D minor Tuesday, April 7 ..„7'8:30: Beethoven: String Quartet No. 8 (3rd Rasoumousky" Quartet) 830-9:45: ' Janice's Bag of Musical Surprises" 9:45-12: The Tuesday Morning Classical Zoo Wednesday, April 8 7-830: "Marc's Bag of Musical Surprises" 830-1020: "Joanna's Bag of Musical Surprises" 102Q-12: Works by Sibelius Thursday, April 9: 7-830: "Jim's Bag of Musical Surprises" 830-930: "Wayne's Bag of Musical Surprises" 930-11: "European Diversions": Finland 11-12: "Music for One"; pieces from B & B, Chapter 6 Friday, Apr! 10 7-830: Schubert Quartet No. 14 in D minor 830-1020: "The Holy Morning Fishing Odyssey" 1020-12: "Love-arias' from Mozart's operas Suzanne Vega a&m Records Mike Hammer Hunts Down Book Thief Jon Biran— Brain Elsewhere/ I'd just pounded down seven SAGA burgers for lunch. Now it was time to go to the hellhole known as McCabe. I'd usually rather date a broad with brains than set foot in McCabe, but today I had no choice; I had to get a book. I fearlessly walked into the forbidding building, winked at the babe checking knapsacks, and made my way "over to the circulation desk. The book I needed was called The Republic and Civil War in Spain, by Raymond Carr. We were reading this piece of hardboiled Action in my History seminar, Fascist Europe and Stuff. "Hey dork," I said to the dork behind the desk. "I'm Mike Hammer and I put a reserve on a book by Carr. Get it for me now, or 111 make your face look like Tarble right after the fire." "Yes sir, Mr. Hammer," replied the dork. He checked under the desk but couldn't find the book. "I guess it hasn't been returned yet," he said. The dork was getting on my nerves. So I reached over the desk and pistol-whipped him wiuth a .44 magnum I just happened to have in my knapsack. "It's not my fault!"screamed the terrified dork. "That book was taken out by Kevin Aires. He was supposed to return it by 1:00. But don't worry, Mike. We're gonna fine his butt so hard he wont be able to sit down for the rest of the semester." Fine, schmine, I thought. Aires had to be taught a lesson, and I was just the guy to teach him. Something was a little fishy, however. Kevin's an engineer. wny wouia an engineer be taking out a book on the Spanish Civil War? I had no idea, but I sure as hell was going to find out. One thing, though, was certain; when I found Kevin, it wasn't going to be a pretty sight. Just then Dave Engerman limped over to the circulation desk. He tried to charge a book fine on his Visa card, but the dork told him that they only take American Express, Mastercard, and the Sears Discovery Card. Engerman was in a bind—like most History majors, he was broke. "What's the matter, Dave?" 1 asked, as I lit up an unfiltered Lucky. "No cash? That's too bad. You know, my good pal Jon Biran may be getting coffee at a law firm this summer, but at least hell be able to pay his library fines." "Very funny, Mike,"he retorted. "What brings you to McCabe?" "I put a reserve on a book, but Kevin Aires hasnX returned it yet. You seen Aires lately?" "Yeah," Dave replied. "He was in the Computing Center about an hour ago." I thanked Dave and kicked him in the knee. I then went over to Beardsley, but Aires was nowhere to be found in that God-forsaken cesspool. (I'm not exactly sure what a cesspool is, but the Computing Center probably qualifies.) I noticed something strange while looking around for Kevin—a large tomato was typing away on a Mac. I figured 1 'd gone a little heavy on the chocolate milk at lunch, but then 1 looked a little more closelv: it was Marc Stern. I went over to Marc and ejected his disk. "Sorry, Marc," I said. "I've got to use the LaserWriter to make nine copies of my seminar paper. Itll only take about twenty minutes." "It's OK, Mike," he said obsequiously. "It doesn't matter that. my paper is due in ten minutes." My conscience told me that it was bad to be turning the LaserWriter into my own personal xerox machine, especially when Marc's paper was due in ten minutes. But then I remembered that Marc had promised to be a guest on Jon Biran's radio show the week before and had not bothered to show up. I didn't feel so bad anymore. "Have you seen Kevin Aires recently?" I asked. "Yeah," said Marc. "He was just here. He asid he was going to Lansdowne to practice the viola." "Why the hell does he have to go all the way to Lansdowne to play a violin with a hormone imbalance?" I asked. "Kevin says that the practice rooms in lane are alu/av« occupied," Marc explained. "He rents a room in a sleazy motel so he can practice." After I 'finished printing my paper, 1 took the train out to Lansdowne and went to the motel where Marc said I would And Kevin. Marc was right; it was sleazy. I asked the bimbo behind the desk if she was renting out a room to a viola player. "Oh yeah," she said, as she killed a cockroach as big as a shoe. "You must mean George Yamaguchi. He just went out for some ice cream." So Aires is using a fake name, I thought, as I walked across the street to the ice cream parlor. I saw Kevin sitting at a corner table, devouring a hot fudge sundae. I walked over to him and greeted him with a right hook. "Hi, George," I said. "1 think you have a book that 1 put a reserve on. I want it. Now." Kevin hurriedly got the book out of his knapsack and apologized for the inconvenience it had caused me. He explained that next to fluid mechanics, the Spanish Civil War is his main field of interest. I found that a little hard to believe, so I gave him another punch in the face. "What did you do that for?" he asked, as blood oozed out of the side of his mouth. "In desperation a few weeks ago, Jon Biran asked you to title his column. And what title did you give it?' Please Do Not Read This.' That wasn't very sensitive of you." I got back on the train, the book safely in my possession. It had been a long day. I just wanted to relax, so I lit up my last cigarette. The guy sitting next to me asked me to put it out "Grow up, wimp," I said, blowing some smoke right in his face. "A little second-hand smoke won't kill you." The train rumbled on. Soon 1 could see Clot hier in the distance. I knew it wouldn't be too long before I could go back to my room in ML, put on my sandals, and read my book. As the train neared the Swarthmore station, the conductor yelled out, "Swaaathmore will be next." I grabbed the conductor and slammed his head against the wall a few times. "Next time," 1 said, "dont forget the V in Swarthmore. Aprif3;T9S7- - Phoenix features/entertainment 7

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261 this year. In addition, due to the fact that departments such as Political Science and History give current juniors the first choice of seminars, most sophomores must plan on enrolling in their favorite seminars during their senior year. DuPlessis believed that sophomores have limited flexibility and great uncertainty in planning their last two years, a problem which grows worse when several professors take their leaves of absence in any given year. Smith agreed that complete separation of the two classes reduces the quality of the seminars and also expressed concern that it may be "harder and harder to catch up in the future" on the problem of oversubscription if the number of applicants continues to rise. According to Pagliaro, the English Department plans to meet with next year's seniors in the near future to finalize their plans and reduce oversubscription. He stressed that the department will not separate seniors from juniors as a solution to overcrowding, but he did mention the possibility of lotteries for the seminars with excessive numbers of applicants, stating: "We.'Y£ never used lotteries for seminars, but last year for the first time we really felt pressed." DuPlessis believed the history department has been "very lucky" to avoid a lottery up to this point, but would resort to one "if necessary." With a reduced faculty workload, the departments are looking outside the College for additional faculty to teach courses or extra sections. DuPlessis stated that the History Department is presently hiring only part-time personnel to pick up the "little slack" created by sabbaticals, but he felt that other departments might find full-time assistance more useful. Pagliaro mentioned that while the administration is willing to pay for additional personnel recruited from "no farther than Princeton," he questioned the number of "qualified personnel" the department can hire. "The outsiders' success rate is high, but some outsiders have not always measured up to expectations for a seminar even though their qualifications were superb." The department chairs also acknowledged that such efforts may only prove to be temporary solutions for the Honors problem and may actually have a side effect of weakening the Course program. DuPlessis stated that he was "not too happy" with the system. "When we offer more than one section of a seminar, we must eliminate a course and pay a cost." He also pointed out that while many colleges now have courses taught by visiting faculty, a large number of outsiders at Swarthmore would probably lead to a lower commitment to teaching and less program flexibility resulting from the large number of classes which would meet once a week. Smith argued that there exists a potential paradox in Honors Reform, claiming, "The thrust of reform is to reduce perceived unfairness, but what if the effect is to move a few more students into seminars to impoverish the course offerings?" He added that although the department has not had time to fully evaluate the ...i;iH Oris innuv problem, "one additional full-time position might make a big difference." Various other departments, which have Honors programs but little oversubscription, approach the application process from a different perspective. For instance, the Mathematics Department's present system is similar to the new Honors reform plan in that it allows students into seminars at the faculty's discretion, a program which Mathematics Professor and Department Chair Edward Skeath claimed works "reasonably well." According to Economics Professor and Department Chair Robinson Hollister, his department has given highest priority to seniors, majors, and Honors students, and has had only one seminar oversubscribed in the last two years. Hollister felt that departments should be allowed to continue choosing their own system unless "one department makes it tough on students and other departments," which would require the intervention of the Deans Office to help work out the problem. Smith believed there were disadvantages associated with establishing any over-arching policy on Honors applications, but added that each department having an individual system can often lead to "unfairness" for the student. Registrar Jane Mullins suggested that departments should consider strengthening ties within their divisions by communicating more regularly during the applications process and discussing each individual's proposal as they did several years ago. However, Smith doubted that t nK "lomiaijidafiikoovl rqi abCT all the department members within a division will feel the need to assemble on this matter in the near future. Although none of the chairpeople could point to a specific long-term stategy for alleviating the problem of seminar oversubscription, they made some general suggestions. "If we don't get to a system, we ought to at least get to individual departments' principles for selection,** said Smith. Pagliaro added, "For the time being, students ought to ask direct questions of the departments and ought to expect direct answers ... Departments have to make decisions as a function of their curricular aims and faculty they have. The administration seems perfectly willing to help with the funding." Englfeh Lit. Prof. Harry Pagliaro "decided to focus on stiong and attractive programs in which we could responsibly offer a Ph.D." Undergraduate programs would be curtailed as welt Bryn Mawr would reduce its faculty, thus increasing the student/faculty ratio. Course offerings would be less numerous, but course coordination with Haverford would be increased. The College is abo proposing a $300,000 cut in financial aid and a jump in enrollment from 1050 to 1200, which would magnify the increase in the student/faculty ratio. Under the program, the College would maintain needblind admissions and remain single sex. The rationale for these conflicting proposals, which President McPherson acknowledged were "the trickiest part of the model," is that the number of students paying full tuition would increase due to a revision in recruiting strategies which was effected in the last few years. The $300,000 cut in financial aid would still leave Bryn Mawr as the leading school in its category in terms of the percentage of tuition payments allocated to financial aid, with 24.9 percent of such payments going to grants and loans. Other alterations would include reductions in food services, housekeeping, event funding, administrative staffing. Physical Education and Student Services. Housing options would - also become less flexible due to the increase in enrollment, but the College, which at one time housed 1140 students, is not planning to build any new dorms in the near future. The proposed model would complement these spending cuts with increased revenues through a variety of means. In addition to the increase in enrollment, the College would expand its summer program, increase fees for miscellaneous student services and sell off several assets, including a residence in Massenzia, Italy, which is used for a graduate residency program in Rome. A more extreme proposal was also requested by the Board as a safety measure. It includes such draconian measures as the eventual elimination of the graduate school. The administration report concluded that "The general approach has been to achieve Financial equilibrium through reducing the scale of certain programs and through a greater sharing of responsibility for exjstingactivines/^^^^^^^^ Bryn Mawr social center affected by austerity motm*"* FUe Photo through non-violent protest. The movement's departure from this stance was attributed by the Bishop to the Shocksville massacre, when "69 Africans, including women and children, in non-violent protest, were shot and killed" by government forces. Since then, he claims, incident after incident has erupted. In his own parish of Safari Town, all 70,000 of the inhabitants were forcibly moved in 19SS and "dumped on the wasteland which is now the black town of Soweto." The recent upheaval is marked by the new constitution which provided that control of the country be delegated to a tricameral legislature of white, mixed and Asian populations, which made up only one fifth of the This, to the Bishop, was "total and absolute refusal to give to the majority of the population fundamental civil and democratic rights. It also led to the immediate creation of the United Democratic Front, the joining together of many groups to form "by far the largest democratic movement opposing apartheid in the whole history of the struggle." "The struggle will be won inside South Africa. No question of that. What the western democracies can do is shorten the time, therefore saving thousands of people." The Bishop observed that the whole movement of boycot and sanctions "was an essential element in doing just that. It is not whether such measures will compel change. It is already the case that their absence...defers change," and such action may offer the last opportunity to avert the worst bloodbath since the Second World War." The movement for divestment, according to the Bishop, has been an enormous moral boost to those struggling in South Africa. He expressed fear, however, that these • efforts might die down due to the limited attention span of the general public. He warns that divestment "needs the understanding and support of those who are actually fighting the government. For example, unconsidered immediate I divestment may damage the massive trade union, which is a strong component of the antiapartheid movement." Huddleston was asked what he believed the leaders of the liberation movement in Africa would feel about the divestment decision of institutions such as Swarthmore. The Bishop contended that "they would say time is no longer on our side. Therefore, effective action, even if it hits and hurts, is more important discussion and the weighing of this or that." Dichter Explores Hunger Solutions By NEIL SWENSON Nutritionist Dr. Carole Dichter spoke yesterday afternoon on "The World Food Supply and Malnutrition: Past, Present, and Future" as part of the second presentation in the annual "Ethics of Food" lecture series sponsored by the Food Systems and Food Policy Program. Dichter stated that "malnutrition and hunger are commonplace occurrences in developing countries...lt is an extremely complex problem that has social, economic and political dimensions."In order to examine these issues, Dichter cited the Sth World Food Survey conducted by the Food and Agriculture Organization, an arm of the United Nations. The FAO conducts world surveys every ten years "to measure the magnitude of the problem and to judge whether progress is being made," said Dichter, in addition to assisting them in setting up nutrition programs in developing countries. A comparison of the average amount of food supplies available per person in the early 1960s and early 1980s conducted in the survey indicated a 20% increase in calories in developing countries. However, this still left them over a 1,000 calories per capita per day behind developed countries. This led Dichter to comment that "an international effort must be made to keep developing countries afloat." Dichter outlined several of the causes of undernutrition and explained why developing countries were particularly susceptible. First, and most important, is the problem of poverty and a limited food supply. This is exacerbated by agricultural practices such as an emphasis on cash crops which increase income, but not the food supply. Dichter also mentioned urbanization as a problem, and described the plight of families when the men move to the city to And jobs, leaving their wifes and children to fend for themselves with only an occasional paycheck from the city. Cultural factors also contribute to the spread of undernutrition. In many countries, the men are fed first, leaving insufficient food for the wife and children. The children are frequently fed from one bowl so that the smallest children, who are most needful of calories, are excluded. Dichter cited unhealthy practices in food preparation and child-rearing as aggravating the problem. Also, poor sanitation results in "a vicious cycle of illness and malnutrition," said Dichter. it's hard to know where one begins and the other ends." Deans Switch SJC Job By PETER B. KLIPSTEIN After some confusion, the Dean's Office has decided to continue with SJC proceedings against two parties charged with violating the CoHege's rule against advertising alcohol. However, because the case was "compromised" after individuals' names were publicized. Associate Dean Richard Schuldenfrci will replace Assistant Dean Cigus Vanni as the plaintiff. While Vanni did not release the names of the individuals involved, he did confirm their identities to a Phoenix reporter and spoke openly about the case. Schuldenfrci declined to comment on the cases, which SJC will hear on Monday evening. April 3,1987 Phoenix news Departments Face Mounting Seminar Backlog continued from page I South Africa Assailed Bryn Mawr Digs Deeper into its Endowment continued from page 1 continued from page 1 8

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Romer Doubts Economic Stabilization By GARY WINZELBERG Nine years ago, sophomore undergraduate Christina Romer was flashed the graph on the left during an introductory economics class. She was told that the smoothing of the unemployment curve after World War II proved that governmental intervention in the economy has reduced the intensity of business cycle fluctuations. On Wednesday, Romer, now professor of economics at Princeton, projected the graph on the right. Her lecture sought to demonstrate that her graph had "taken away my professor's snappy proof* by showing that the apparent post-war stabilization never really occurred but is merely "a figment of inconsistencies in the data." "My findings have made my former professor and a number of people very unhappy," she confessed. Apples and Oranges Basing her theory on unemployment statistics, Romer contended that the estimates prior to 1940 are -very bad and accentuate the size of cycles." Since Professor Stanley Lebergott, an economist who constructed the pre-World War II unemployment series, had official data only in census years, he used the annual data on the output of commodities. He assumed that unemployment and the output data related in a one to one ratio. Under this assumption, a one percentage point increase in output would result in one point decrease in unemployment and vice versa. Romer contended that Lebergott's assumption was "drawn out of thin air," stating that the post-1940 unemployment series, which are accurate due to monthly government statistics updates, show that "unemployment does not move as much as output." Labor hoarding, which occurs when firms hold onto labor even when output is decreased, and the fact that discouraged workers (people who are not actively seeking employment even though they are out of work) are not counted in unemployment statistics contribute to this inconsistency. Comparing the two series of data is thus like "comparing prewar apples with post-war oranges." Methodolgy Because she wanted a consistent series over time as empirical evidence for her theory, Romer analyzed post-1940 data using Lcbcrgott's assumption. The resulting "consistently bad series" shows that the unemployment data before and after the Great Depression look alike. The economy is therefore "equal over time." What Router Is teaching In addressing the controversy that has resulted from her efforts, Romer stated that some critics contend that using the same methods on two sets of datadoes not necessarily creat a consistent series. As a result, she has examined data which she believes is consistently accurate over time, including the individual production series, stock market data, and data from foreign countries. For the most part, Romer claimed, this information also shows that the economy has not stabilized over time. Keynesianism Not Dead Romer took pains to shy away from concluding, as some monetarists have, that here findings show that governmental intervention in the economy has had no effect. She believes but cannot prove that the economy after World War II would have been worse without such intervention. "Policy enabled us to break even." CORRECTIONS The graph on the left (Phoenix . March 6, 1987), which purports to show the relationship between inflation and increases in tuition, is meaningless. The actual change in nominal tuition cannot meaningfully be compared with the annual inflation rate. The different claibrations of 4hc two Y-axes generated by the computer program made' a bad situation jrsTOrr.rni bsiatHUiQjUlij .alqnjcxa The proper graph on the right plots CPI and tuition. CPI for 1967 and tuition for the academic year 1967-68 are both set at 100. The graph clearly shows that tuition rose along with inflation until about 1977. Since 1977, tuition has diverged sharply upward. It is therefore not the case, as the first graph erroneously suggested and as the College Administration has repeatedly asserted, that tuition is rising more than inflation in the 1980s to make up for be lowin flat ion increases in the 19705. -.. i nuuiw Source: CPI: The Economic Report of the President, January 1987. Tuition: Swarthmore President's Report. The tuition for each year was standardized by dividing the 1967-68 tuition, i $3050, by 30.5, yielding 100. All subsequent tuition rates were also ' divided by 30.5. • • • I An article last week gave the wrong price for elm tree spraying. It is $3,000, not $30,000 as reported. • • • Due to a typographical error, an article last -week- referred -to Professor of Political Science David G. Smith as "Smither." In addition, the word "was" should have been ommitted from the same sentence. New Housing Lottery By ROBERT FORTNER A new housing lottery system which would guarantee that persons receiving the bottom third of their class' numbers would get numbers in the top two thirds the following year will be considered by Deans Janet Dickerson, Cigus Vanni and Richard Schuldenfrei -on Monday- If the proposal is approved, a record will be kept of each student's lottery number for the classes of TO and W beginning with this year's lottery. Students in the bottom third of their class's numbers this year will be guaranteed a number in the top third in the 1988 room draw. Vanni explained that the plan seeks to "spread around the fairness." According to Vanni the class of "89 was included in the proposal due to the inequities resulting from the abnormally large size of the classes of *B7 and *BB. Had this not been the case, the proposal would be implemented beginning with the class of *9O in order to maintain a consistent housing policy throughout that class's four years at the college. Vanni stated that, given the large size of the classes of 1987 and "88, the bottom third of the freshman and sophomore classes "is more likely to get screwed over*' in this year's room draw. Another plan proposed that students never receive numbers in the same third. However, because this arrangement might result in better housing than that acquired by a student who got bottom third, middle third and then top third, the plan was rejected. AprtlT?9B7 Phoenix news- 9 PENN Prepare Yourself for an International Career! Do you anfoy working with adult I—man or children of all ages or foreign students, business people or now Immigrants? Would you Ilka to earn your living In educational and business settings In the U.S. and abroad? Study EDUCATIONAL LINGUISTICS in the heart of an international community: M.S.Ed. in Teaching English to Speakers of Other Languages M.S.Ed. in Intercultural Communication Ph.D. in Educational Linguistics THE UNIVERSITY OF PENNSYLVANIA e Full/part-time study e Scholarship aid Internships in the local community end Ptnn campus e Summer session For detailed information, clip and mail to: Admissions Office, Graduate School of Education University of Pennsylvania, 3700 Walnut Street, Philadelphia, PA 19104-6216 * Send general information □ Send program information or RESIDENT ASSISTANT APPOINTMENTS 1987-88 PARRISH NORTH Brian Flynn PITTENGER Ist Nayan Shah 2nd Laura Cleland 3rd Eve Oishi ROBERTS Margaret Hawley WHARTON A/B Ist Dora Klein 2nd Andy Garner 3rd Lauren Worsh WHARTON C/D Ist Nina Livingston 2nd Jay Kashatri WHARTON E/F Ist David Engerman 2nd Nancy Desiderio 3rd Anne McQuilken WILLETS IstN Kelly Meagher Ist S Brendan Kelly 2nd N David Arthur 2nd S Alex Papalexoupoulou 3rd N Sharon Seyfarth 3rd S Bob Scher WOOLMAN Christine Stodolski WORTH/LODGES Sarah Horr Ken Mayer DANA Ist Mamiko Kawai 2nd Tim Kuykendall 3rd Christina Theofilidis HALLO WELL Ist Sha una Baiter 2nd John Gastil 3rd Karen Saravanos MARY LYON 4 Basement David Samuels lit Laura McKee 2nd David Scholze. 3rd Amy Freedman MERTZ Ist N Beth Maybee Ist S Keith Reeves 2nd N Erika Berson 2nd S Alex Curtis 3rd N Matt Sanders 3rd S Rishi Reddi PALMER Danna Azrieli PARRISH WEST 3rd Brad Skillman 4th Pat McCauley PARRISH EAST 2nd Clay von Harris 3rd Christine Shinn 4th Martha Easton

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Baseball Preview—NL By PHIL WEISER AND ROB HARRIS Good pitching beats good hitting, and good hitting and good pitching beats everyone. The Phillies don't have good pitching, the METS do, so they will win the EASTERN Division. We'd pick the Cards second, but we'd lose all three of our friends. What the heck, let's do it anyway. Seriously though, the CARDINALS should bounce back to a semblance of their 1985 form when their batting average was above .250. John Tudor and Danny Cox are two very good pitchers, and the rest of the staff is above average. The question that haunts the PHILLIES is just how many more pitching problems can arise. Rumour goes that they even tendered an offer to John Davine, but he refused s© he could attend medical school. As far as we can see, the devastating lineup (assuming Lance Parrish's back holds up) will not make up for a below average defense and a questionable starting staff. The PIRATES have the youngest talent in the league, and if players like ifarry Bonds and Mike Diaz come through, they might surprise some people. However, we still see them finishing fourth. Never have so many who were paid so much done as little as the CUBS pitching staff did last year. Don't expect the Bleacher Bums to have much more to cheer about this year, unless Dallas Green can unload some of those pitchers to whom he gave hefty contracts after the successful 1984 season for some good talent. For so long, people have been amazed at how the EXPOS, who always look so good on paper, have always fared so poorly. Now they won't have to be surprised when Montreal finishes last. This year, they don't even look good on paper, having lost Tim Raines (probably)and Andre Dawson to free agency and given away Jeff Reardon. In the WEST, tell Tommy Lasorda to put the Pepto-Bismol on hold and the champagne on ice because the Los Angeles DODGERS are headed for yet another pennant. Among the. pitchers, Fernando Valen/uela will earn his pesos, Orel Hershiser will rebound from a mediocre year, and Bob Welsh's fastball will continue to turn batters' legs into grape jelly. Pedro Guerrero, Steve "Alto" Sax, and Franklin "Ticket" Stubbs will deliver over one hundred long balls to ensure as many victories. Last year, Roger Craig, a pitching professor, turned heads with the success of his weapon, the • split-fingered fastball. Nevertheless, the GIANT pitching does not match that of the Los Angeles and their offense will not provide the runs to beat out the front-running team. The Big Red Machine was once great, but now a new generation of REDS are here. The question is: why are old players like Dave Concepcion, Ron Oester, and Pete Rose still getting playing time. When these veterans hang up their caps for good, young stars like Eric Davis and Barry Larkin will win games. The pitching is good, but inconsistent. Cincinnati will have to listen to WK.RP for another year, because they are not going to finish higher than third, The ASTROS are not likely pennant contenders, but that's what everyone said last year. Mike Scott is always a threat, as is Bob Knepper, but Nolan Ryan is not Nolan Ryan, and Jim Deshailes cannot be counted on for another good year. Kevin Bass and Glenn Davis are great hitters, but the offense ends there. Houston can only go as far as their pitching carries them, and we say that is fourth. ""-TOe PADRES have the best young talent west of Pittsburgh. Kevin Mitchell, Stanley Jefferson, and John Kruk are all bright stars, but they'll need time to develop. The pitching is adequate at best, so this team will be out of the race early. If you thought the Goodwill Games were bad last year, check out the 1987 BRAVES. If you don't want to see some washed up veterans play, then turn off the TV after Dale Murphy bats. This team should go nowhere, and that's assuming that they do sign Bob Horner. Next week: The American League Will the Met. win it again in 1987? -Sporting New, CONTEST I knew that word would catch your eye. Now that I've got your attention, let me direct your eyes upward, to the article that is written by my eminent associates, Phil Weiser and Rob Harris. As you can see, they are making predictions as to where teams will finish in the National League. Personally, I don't agree with any of his choices; just wait until you see the American league picks. Anyways, what we've decided here at The Phoenix is to give the readers a try at predicting the division winners, the pennant winners and even the World Series winner. We will be receiving entries for the next couple of weeks. Just drop them in college mail in care of either Brad Skillman or Mark Kenward. Track at Towson St. By PAUL HARRISON The Swarthmore Men's Track Team was on the road last weekend as they traveled to Towson State University to participate in the Towson State Invitational. At a high quality meet, the Garnet managed to run competitively and showed improvement on their journey to the MAC's. Tom Graham continued to be the hottest performer on the team, not to mention the fastest "runner. In addition, the two mile relay team set a new school record in that event. Coach Peter Carroll could only be pleased with the progress the team is making. The first event of the day was the ten kilometer run—2s tiring laps. Bob I.ehr was the only Swat runner participating in this six mile ordeal and he finished in a good time of 34:19.1 The next event with Swarthmore runners in it was the 3,000 m steeplechase. This event is usually only run at invitationals, MAC's, and the Olympics. The major reason for this is that most people hate the event and that you need a specially modified track. So, anyways, a couple of our guys ran in this race. One was Scott Maines who ran well in 10:49.5 despite making the mistake of wearing socks (water-logged). The whole team is still waiting to review the photos of Maines'dives into the water pit. The other was Tom Graham who ran brilliantly in a time of 9:36.3. In fact Graham was with the leaders throughout the race and kicked past two people in the last lap to finish in third place overall. If that was the most interesting event (and it was), then the 2-mile relay was the most exciting. The Garnet team of Bob (Mr. Sunshine) Fortner, Jim Sanford. Wolfram Urbanek, and Jeff Cohen smashed the school record by Finishing in under 8:00. Following on the track was the 4xllo yd real ay which was run by Chim Sivaraksa, Shane Rau, Srini Bollimpalli, and Dan Kaufman in a time of 45.9. Brad Skillman (4:23.8) finished in the middle of the pack in his 1500 m race, which was nice. There was heats of the 400 m ad infinitum. Chim Sivaraksa ran well in SS.O. Dan Kaufman -finished within sight of his heat's winner, who was also the overall champ, by running a 53.5. Sivaraksa completed ironman duties by running the 100 m dash in 11.7, while Rau was our top finisher in 11.6. Bob (CEPeedster) Fortner was the only distance man to triple and he kept his complaining to a minimum. He completed the 880 yd run in 2:01.8; Ken Leonard raced the same eent in a strong 2:06.6 and almost won his heat. The 200 m dash followed where Rau ran a 24.1 and John Byars a gallant 25.7. * The 5,000 m run was scheduled next. In the race, Paul Harrison struggled to a personal best 17.32.3. Finally the curtain closed with the mile relay. The crowd was buzzing; they anticipated leaving. The team of Shane Rau, Bob Fortner, Jeff Cohen, and Dan Kaufman ran a 3:36.9. The field events earlier in the day were just as competitive as the running events. Sal Tranchina was a top performer in the discus with a toss of 39.87 m (131*) and in the javelin with a throw of 157'. Damien Jackson continued his excellent jumping by going 20'10.75'' in the long and 6' in height. Chris Collins also had a good day, jumping 12'0" in the pole vault, tying a seasonal best. tie the game up for him, which they did in the fourth with an RBI single by Jeff "Spidey" McKenna. When Lafayette came back to take the lead in the fifth, the Garnet again put the pressure on, retying the game on a single-balk-single sandwich, with Neal Carey and Mike Nilon providing the offensive punch. Even when Lafayette scored five more runs in their last two-at-bats to put the game seemingly out of reach, the Garnet refused to die quietly. Peichel knocked in his second run of the day in the sixth, and the Garnet had the tying run at the plate in the seventh only to watch Peichel be called out on a disputable 3-2 pitch. What was significant about this contest was not the final score, or even the means by which the Garnet stayed close throughout the game. Everybody in attendance left with the feeling that this team could play with anybody; if they could continue to play as intense and as agressive against all their opponents as they did Lafayette, it would only be a matter of time before their record would take an upward swing. With this idea in mind, the players eagerly awaited Saturday's doubleheader with division foe Ursinus to show just how good they could be. With Saturday's temperature in the seventies, the grandstand (granted, it's not the largest) almost full, the team coming off two impressive outings (the other being a close second game loss to Hopkins the previous week), and having their top two starting pitchers ready to go, conditions were optimal for a Garnet sweep. The home team wasted little time getting on the scoreboard first, picking up three runs in the second inning. With the bases loaded on walks with two outs, Jay Peichel came up with a two run single, followed by an RBI double by John Haday. This was only to be the start of things. In the following inning, with the score 3-1 and a man on, Brian Flynn smashed a hard liner to left that leaped past a diving Ursinus outfielder; it was good for his second home run in two games. The bats stayed on fire in the fourth, as Haday led off with a single, Carey doubled, and catcher Peyton Bray bounced one up the middle to give the Garnet a 7-2 lead. Meanwhile, Pat McCauley was giving the Garnet another boost from the mound, allowing only two hits and two runs (one unearned) through the first four innings. As he tired a bit in the late innings, the excellent Garnet defense took over. In the fifth, Ursinus scored two and were threatening for more. With rimers on first and second and one out, the lead runner broke for third, only to find that the Bray-Haday connection was working once again and had delivered the bal there ahead of him. An inning later, the third baseman and the catcher teamed up again to stop a threat. With the score now 9-5, Ursinus had a runner on third with one out when the batter bounced one down to third. Haday, playing in to prevent the run, alertly threw home to cut off the run. The throw came in high causing Bray to have to leave his stance and reach up and grab it, not allowing him to brace for the oncoming runner. Just as he caught the ball, he was bowled over by the Ursinus runner who came charging in at full speed. Lying on the ground seemingly unaffected, he simply extended the glove to show the ball to the umpire who gave the out signal and ignite a roar from the stands and the Garnet bench. In the final inning, Ursinus made a final last-ditch stand before Joe Kosco came in to seal the victory for the Garnet, mowing down the three batter he faced. The Garnet were unable to relax and savor their victory—there was still another game to be played. This time around, Swarthmore had co-captain John Davine taking the hill. Davine had been a victim of some hard luck, his last two losses being by scores of 2-1 and 3-2. Hopefully things could go better for him this time around. However, things did not look good, as his teammates committed two errors in the second inning to give the Golden Bears a couple of gift runs. At this point, Davine must have been wondering what it is he had to do to win a ballgame I However, if he did have these "thoughts, they weren't there for long. The pair of runs would be the Ist that Ursinus would see this day, and the Garnet hitters made sure that their ace's effort would not be for naught. They cut the lead in half in the second with an RBI double by freshman catcher Dave Sterner. When that spot in the batting order came around again in th third inning, Bray was there to belt a two run triple. The Garnet led 3-2 and never looked back. Mike Nilon drove in two more with a bases loaded single in the fourth, while McCann iced it with his second home run of the season, a 400 foot mammoth shot into deep rightcenterfield, to close out the scoring. For Davine, it was business as usual, as he held the Golden Bears to only six hits, with just three coming after the second inning. The only jams that came up during th game were pitched out of with ease—in the fourth, he left runners on second and third with one out, and then in the fifth, Davine punched out two hitters after a one out triple. Devo ended the game by retiring eight straight hitters and walked off with a 6-2 victory. With the sweep, Swarthmore improved to 5-10 overall, and an even 2-2 in the MAC Southeast conference. Signs of the team working comfortably together were extremely evident against both Lafayette and Ursinus. Furthermore, the intensity, something that seemed to be lacking in earlier games, has reached a much higher level. Because of this, the Garnet are no longer beating themselves with mistakes. It may be too early to tell what the cards hold for the team for the rest of the season. However, with every teat, they begin to look more and more like a team that is capable of competing for the MAC title, not only this year, but in the upcoming years as well. impressed fan said, "Man, that looks like it hurts." Curtis is optimistic about the rest of the season. "Although weVe been plagued with injuries and decimated by mono, the team is past the point in which we just go out there and play hoping to win. We are to the point that in every game we have a good chance of winning. We dont have as much depth as last fall when we had over forty players, but in terms of the actual team out on the field we are as good as or better than ever I- before." Last season, Swarthmore was beaten by the very big Penn team, but they put up a very good fight. This spring it would be a great victory if they won. Curtis says the game is crucial and that the Garnet stands a good chance. But win or lose, the Swarthmore Women's Rugby Ctub will have a good time. Fun is the main goal of the nonvarsity sport. To a rugby player, fun means hitting hard, being mean, and most of all kicking butt, and the Garnet team is great at all three. 10 ADril 3,1987 Phoenix sports Garnet Bear Down on Ursinus, Take Two continued from page 12 Women's Rugby Optimistic continued from page 12

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Carroll: New Ideas By DAN C. KAUFMAN The runner from Swarthmore cruises across the finish line in the men's two-mile run on the Widener indoor track. Tom Graham, the Garnet's number one distance runner, struggles through the remnants of the tape almost thirty seconds later. As Graham recovers, the first runner approaches him and says, "Good run, Tommy. Make sure you do a warmdowa" Is this new runner another freshman sensation? No, it's 26- year old (we think) Peter Carroll, former Villanova- standout and now first-year coach of the men's track team. Having replaced Trinidad native Ben Cayenne, Carroll is teaming with five-year assistant coach Larry Ehmer to bring a new running philosophy and overall team outlook to the Garnet. Gone a#e the days when team members could skip practices and slouch during workouts; most healthy tracksters run almost every day, with the distance crew waking up on Sundays at 10:00 AM to grind out long mileage. Despite his emphasis on rigorous training, Carroll never loses sight of the basic goal of team competition when he remembers from his running days: "Track should be fun" Viewing his age as an advantage in every aspect, Carroll says he continuously reexamines his track past "weeding out the bad parts" to give each runner individualized attention and organize the teams competitive pursuits. Born in Beaumont, California, C arrotl lived in northern New jersey for most of his life. He attended Villanova University, where he excelled in the 1500 meter run (3:50) and teamed with now world-class runner Marcus o*Sullivan in the two-mile relay. After beginning graduate school in 1982 as a secondary administration and education major, Carroll took a year off to train for the Olympics in the 5000 meter run, but was hampered by a foot injury that kept him out of the trials. Trying to please his parents with "progressive*' behavior, Carroll began using graduate school as a "buffer" while he pursued his dream of coaching by directing the Morris County College men's cross country squad to a 13-1 record. In 1986, he became a graduate assistant at Ithaca College in New York, but put a greater effort into coaching their women's cross country team to second place in Division 111. Hoping to use Swarthmore as a "stepping stone", Carroll applied for the vacated haead track coach position last summer, but was chosen runner-up for the job. After the leading applicant backed out, acting athletic director, Eleanor "Pete" Hess, phoned Carroll "as the Mets were rallying" during Game 3 of the World Series, to offer him the part-time position, which he accepted two Weeks later. Carroll says he adjusted quickly to the change of venue and "felt comfortable almost immediately" with some of the runners "intellectual" brand of humor.."l think the 'inner circle' or 'core' of the team comes from the strong bonds among the middle distance and distance guys, which is my forte. At the same time, I'm trying to learn about the jumpers and the throwers." Already Carroll has made some noticeable changes from past years, such as placing greater emphasis on versatility during the indoor season, stressing the virtues of increased endurance training, and making the schedule during the Florida trip less stressful for the runners. He also hopes to get money soon from the Campaign for Swarthmore to build a new outdoor track. "Just the facilty would improve peoples' attitudes, and that's 45% of the game. Morale would go up." Carroll feels that the selection of Robert Williams, head track coach at Amherst and national personality in Division 111, as the new Athletic Director will prove a great bonus for the track team and the athletic department. "For the coaching staff he'll give his time, and hell help the athletes as far as recruitment and teaching...l'm prejudiced, but beyond that the man is worthy and will do a good job." According to Carroll, the choice of Williams will boost a track program in which there "are good athletes". Having witnessed in his first few months the heavy emphasis on academics at Swarthmore and its more than occasional conflicts with athletic pursuits, Carroll now believes that there is a "phobia" at the College, "a fear that you can't accomplish both things," despite his observation that "I havent met a professor that dislikes athletics." He did see a difference between particiaption in track and field and a sport like football: "Track is a more individual sport, and everyone has an hour in their day...People who want to do well make time." Carroll claims both areas have excesses, comparing the Swarthmore grind to the scandalrocked SMU football program: "Aren't we as guilty?... People have to realize you have to have variety in life." Carroll also analyzed the strengths and weaknesses of a team, which lost a handful of runners to graduation and one of its most, talented runners a few weeks ago. "Distance will be strong, and the field team is getting stronger...The sprints suffer because of the loss of [sophomore] Antoine [Gayles]... but the other sprinters will pull together because they know that each second counts. The sprinters have a little lack of talent, but a lot of heart." "I would like to have a winning dual meet season and would like to finish in the top five MAC's outdoors and see some school records broken. For everyone to get a PB this year, that is the most important thing... I dont want to make everyone good to get a Divison I job, it's my innate nature of love for track and field. I will definitely be back next year, and although I'm not sure after that, I want to see [how we do] with the recruiting year and build on other athlete's accomplishments.'' Despite his highly competitive Divison I background, Carroll sees little fundamental difference between coaching at schools like Villanova and Swarthmore. "You're trying to make someone better, and they will succeed as long as they are improving. For a real coach, it shouldn't matter who they start out with, it's how their kids end up...Thus Division 111 kids can be better successes." —Erin Scott Peter Carroll, the new men's track coach, relaxes in hit office. Swatters Split Pivotal Matches By CHRIS JOHNSTONE The Garnet Men's tennis team journeyed to Virginia to play two pivotal Division 111 matches against N0.5 Emory and N0.2 Washington and Efe. The matches had a direct effect on the possibilities of Garnet post-season play, and the team felt they were crucial and a climax to their most challenging and important week of the season. On Saturday the team played Emory, and started the weekend off right with a 7-2 victory over the Eagles. It was here that the Garnet showed some of their character, with the team gutting out several tough victories. Sophomore Steve Sell, at the number five singles spot, pulled out a 6-1, 7-5, with sophomore Lindsay Williams and freshman Jim Stanley coming up with two other singles' victories. Sophomore Kevin Hahm fell just short of a comeback win, losing a tight three set match. Vivek Varma, playing in the number three singles spot, came up with the-comeback of a lifetime. Down a set, and 5-2, 3-0, in the second, the junior co-captain held off four consecutive match points to win 4-6, 7-5, 6-4 against Brian Harrison, who victimized Vivek in Jast year's nationals. His revenge provided a spark plug to the rest of the Ga/net, which carried over into the doubles. The new tandems of Andy Mouer,/Varma, Rich Dunne/ John Martinez, and Hahm/Stahley all came through with easy straight set victories. On Sunday, however, the Garnet ran into the very tough Washington and Lee Generals. Going in, the team knew that this would be their toughest match of the week, and that they would need some breaks to win. On this day, however, the team had no breaks at all and the Generals had hick on their side of the court all day. They lost 8-1, but as General Robert Haley said, "111 be the first to admit it, the match was a lot closer than the score indicates." Some examples of the opportunities that just slipped away: freshman Mouer at the number one spot lost 7-6,7-6, after having three set points in the second; Varma at the three singles spot lost 7-5, 6-4 after having set points in the first set; Williams at number four was up a set and 5-2 with several match points before he finally succumbed in a third set tie-breaket; sophomore Steve Sell at number five took his man to three sets before losing 6-2, 5-7, 6- 2; and Anally the doubles team of Dunne/Martinez, after winning the first set 6-1, lost the next two and the match. It was a tough way to lose, and several members of the team reiterated that with a little luck, they could have come away with a victory. The sole victory for the Garnet came from Stanley, who won 6-2, 7-5 at six singles. Stahley hasn't yet lost in the crucial Division 111 matches. Despite the loss. Coach Mike Mullan seemed optimistic. When asked about the effect the loss to Wahington and Lee has on the Garnet's chances, he said, "It obviously doesn't help us, but it doesn't hurt us significantly. The loss to Claremont during the California trip is more important, becuase they are ranked below us. Other teams have beaten them, and these teams will be ranked ahead of us. "Inexperience is definitely a factor, even though we have a lot of depth. We're a young team with many new faces playing significant roles. But I don't forecast any lineup changes, as I'm happy with the results I'm getting." One thing is certain. The future Garnet Division HI matches are more important than ever in determining the team's future. The • next home match for the team is Monday, against Temple, and then it's Washington College in a key Division 111 match here on Wednesday. Knowing that their loss to Washington and Lee was unlucky at best, the Garnet are ready to rebound and continue their quest for a spot in the nationals. Golfers Open Season By ALF DUPUY Not deterred by the somewhat bad springtime weather conditions, the Swarthmore College Golfers continued their quest as they move towards their goal of a high finish in the MAC's at the end of the month. This past week, the golfers travelled to Delaware Valley and to Lafayette to play in tri-matches. After Wednesday, they show great signs of potential. Last Friday, Delaware Valley played host to Wesley College and Swarthmore at the long and demanding course of the Country Club of Bucks County. Though there were first match jitters, the team played extremely well. Cocaptain Elliot Snow led the squad with a superb four over par 75, also giving him medalist hjoynors for the day. Sophomore phenom Dan Bock, disappointed with a rather good round of 78, has decided to cut his class schedule back even further (to just 1 1 /2 credits) so as to devote more time to the practice tee. He is hoping to peak just in time for the Masters in two weeks. Co-captain Alf Dupuy and Danny Prillaman both putted poorly, but still managed respectable rounds of 84 and 85 respectively. Sophomore Matt Davis, showing improvement, rounded out the scoring. The team's total of 418 was the lowest in the last four years, although it still fell short of Wesley's 411 mark. It soundly defeated the Fighting Agronomists of Delaware Valley College, who had to play without their number one star. Bozo McGee, who was out due to an unfortunate accident with his caddy. With the way the Garnet Swatters played, it is doubtful that he would have made much of a difference. On Wednesday, the team did not fair as well, as they lost two matches to Division II Rider and Lafayette Colleges. Their team score of 445 was disappointing after their success on Friday afternoon, but it still remains a «' lid indication that even when the team doesn't play v ell, they can be competitive with other teams. Once again, Logan (Happy 21st Birthday!) Snow led the team with a fine 84, depite a weakened state due to vigorous workouts in the Ronald Room. DuPuy came in next with an 88, complaining of poor putting conditions and a troublesome ear injury that nterfered with his swing. Tom Lee has improved his game remendously and carded a good ound; well, at least for him. Dan Bock didn't play as well as he is accustomed, but refuses to give up hopes for the pro tour. Prillaboy hit the ball extremely well, but had trouble as to how far he should actually hit it. The team's record now stands at 1-3 and 1-0 in the MAC's. The record is somewhat misleading as the signs for the future are bright. Golf fanatic Mike Mullan said, "With continued future success of sports teams, such as the golf and squash programs, 1 am positive that the alumni will contribute only more to the college in the form of athletic donations. 1 might even dip into our $1.3 million tennis fund a bit to help them out!" With such support, the program will definitely improve. JV MEN'S LACROSSE A^fflr3.l9B7 Phoenix sports- Mon. April 6 Ursinus Away Thurs. April 9 Haverford HOME Mon. April 13 Princeton Lax Club Away Thurs. April 16 Temple HOME Mon. April 20 New Church HOME Thurs. April 23 Haverford Away

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SPORTS The Legacy of Sidd Finch Lives On! Swarthmore Football To Move To Division One Play By MARK KENWARD Decisions Based on Promotional and Financial Benefits for College Yesterday, much to the shock of the college community. President David Fraser announced that the college has plans to upgrade the status of the football program At a ceremony held yesterday afternoon, honoring Swarthmore lacrosse legend William "Steamer" Hoague, Fraser announced to a gathering of local news media that it "is time to take advantage of what a Division 1 program can offer, namely nationwide recognition of the college's name, and substantial economic benefits in the form .of gate receipts and television revenues." The administration's decision to upgrade the football program seems to be connected to the recent hiring of Robert Williams as the College's new athletic director, effective September 1. At the Hoague Ceremony, Fraser mentioned that "with the new direction our program is about to embark upon, now is the time to make a firm committment to thletic excellence." Williams, reached at his home in Amherst, MA, said "1 am in support of the Administration's decision to finally make a firm committment," but wondered "if the college is going a little overboard." "It would seem to me that the best solution would be to be the best we can on the Division 111 level...Let's leave Division I football to the larger universities with lower admission standards." Though Fraser was sketchy about the plans for the football program, he did mention that the college has plans to build a 21,000 seat stadium on Cunningham Field. "Since we have the land, we may as well put it to use." Cunningham, located across Route 320 from the main campus, is currently used only by the rugby teams. Construction of the stadium, which will possibly be named in honor of "Steamer" Hoague, may begin as early as July if the necessary permits can be obtained. Though the college community has had little time to react to Fraser's late afternoon announcement, widespread opposition to Fraser's plan appears imminent. In a telephone interview conducted late last night, activist Myron Imatwit *B7 stated "I haven't heard anything about this proposal until now, but you can be sure that I'll be the first to protest against it." Imatwit added that a campout on Monday, and possibly a die-in, on Parrish Porch is likely. Members of the faculty who had heard of the proposal expressed surprise and dismay, with the notable exception of Economics Professor Ellen Magenheim. Magenheim. who attended graduate school at Maryland, believes the addition of Swarthmore to Division I ranks will "guarantee the Terrapins of one win a year, assuming they add Swarthmore to their schedule." Dean Pea body, Professor of Psychology, has quite a different view. "I think the whole proposal is ludicrous...heads will roll." Though interim athletic director Pete Hess anticipates that much of the student body and faculty will be opposed , "this opposition is unwarranted, as we have no plans to compromise the athletic standards of the college." Dean of Admissions Robert Barr questioned whether "there are enough 230 pound gorillas with 1250 SAT's out there", but added that "it's worth a shot to find out." Head football coach Fran Meagher is extremely pleased with the decision. "Now that the program has rounded the bend, we can now start to turn the corner." He speculated that the process of developing a team able to compete on the Division I level will take 4 years. Next year's schedule of ten Division 111 opponents will remain intact, according to Meagher, but the 1988 schedule should see the addition of a few Division II and Ivy League teams. "By 1990, I anticipate a schedule that will include Penn State, Pitt, and Maryland, as well as local rivals Penn, Villanova, and Delaware." Though it is too late to recruit blue-chip players for the upcoming season, Meagher is unconcerned. "I guarantee that we will be able to play Division I ball by 1990." Meagher seemed unfazed when told of rumors that the college was planning on talking to Lou Holtz, Dick Vermeil, and Barry Switzer about the possibility of running the football program. One member of the football team, who wished to remain anonymous, did not feel the administration was making the right move. "I believe I speak on behalf of the entire team when I say that if we wanted to, or were capable of, playing on a Division I team, then we would have gone to a Division I school. It's nice that efforts are being taken to increase the respect of our athletic program, but I think the idea ofthe Garnet Tide becoming a Division I team is a big joke." To which Dave Fraser responded, "It is." An artist's conception of the new stadium Garnet Nine Sweep 2 By JERRY RUSSO Last Thursday afternoon, the Garnet embarked on a two hour excursion to face Division 1 Lafayette College. As Lafayette went into the game with a record of 8-4 (as opposed to Swarthmore's ledger of 3-9), this game should have been nothing more than a tuneup for them. After all, they had manhandled the Garnet the year before, 21-3, and with all their starters returning, they had no reason to think that this year would be any different. Well, somebody forgot to send coaches Prudcnte and Reynolds copies of the script, because the team did not come ready to bow to their opponents. Though the eventual outcome was a 10-6 Garnet loss, let it be known that this was one game that Lafayette was glad to be through with. Swarthmore had nothing to lose and everything to gain from this contest; they surely left Easton, PA having earned some respect from the hometown team. It became clear early on that this meeting was not going to be similar to last year's rout. After Lafayette started off strong with four quick runs in the bottom half of the first, it. would have bveen all so easy for the Garnet to lose confidence and concede the game. Instead, they came back in a very composed and mature way, answering right back with three runs of their own in the top of the second. Co-captain Brian Flynn provided the necessary spark by leading off with a long homer over the fence in rightfield to start the Garnet scoring, and a combination of singles by Bob McCann and Jay Peichel and a crucial Lafayette error brought home two more runs. Pitcher Mike Lawless, now very much back in the game, responded with one of his finest performances of the season, holding the sluggers to one run on four hits in the remainder of his four inning stint. Lawless was sharp throughout the day, allowing only one walk and being ahead on the count to virtually every hitter he faced. With their hurler keeping them in the game, the least the Swarthmore hitters could do was Who's got it? -Erin Scott Rugby Win First Two Matches By VALERIE LIEBER Beginning the spring 1987 season with two key wins, the Swarthmore Women's Rugby Club is on its way to yet another fine record. Enthusiastic and well prepared, the team will take on the University of Pennsylvania team this Saturday at Penn at 12:30 P.M. Practice began for the young team in early February when snow still covered Cunningham field. Resourceful as it is, the team was able to find spots around campus to run and to work on plays. They ran through Swarthmore Village over ice covered sidewalks, twisted many ankles in the all-campus space in Tarble-in-Clothicr, and squeezed in a few Sunday afternoon sessions in the Fieldhouse. Many of the players had never played or even seen a game of rugby at the time. Rugby is a game that takes some getting used to. It is very confusing and sometimes just plain scary when a writhing mass of women pile on top of each other and equally disturbing when they pass the ball backwards to move forward. But after long practices most of the new players were able to hold their own. Even the veterans had to relearn the new plays and some new positions. Thus far the work has paid off. In the season opener against Haverford/Bryn Mawr, the team was asked to play an unanticipated three periods (that's an hour and a half of running around and getting bruised) as opposed to the usual two. Due to the organizational capacity of Head Coach Alex Curtis "89 and his roo mate's Macintosh, and the perseverence of Assistant Coach Dan Ferry *B7 who is responsible for conditioning (and the much dreaded crab walk drills), the women were able to endure the closely matched game. During the first quarter, the Garnet scrum were unable to hold the well coached Fords back. The Garnet women panicked. However, after some skillful pep talks from Assistant Coach David Pope the game was slowed down, and the forwards returned to the controlled game of basics that they are used to. Consequently, they crushed the opposing team. The Swarthmore backs ran the ball well and were able to move to the Haver-Mawr ten yard line where a penalty against the opponents was called. Using both her mental and physical speed? Corrie I.athan 'BB picked up the ball, ran straight toward the bewildered opposing line, and passed the ball to teammate Linda Hockey "90 who then scored four points on the try. Captain Allison ("queen Young "87 then scored two more points on the conversion. The inspired Garnet team was able to hold off three subsequent scoring threats by Haver-Mawr to win the game 6-0 Last Saturday the opposing Rutgers team looked big before our supportive home crowd, but the bigger they are, the harder they fall. And fall they did. The Swarthmore forwards, with the return of Pack Leader Jane Ossandon "89 were unstoppable. The Garnet Backs took advantage of Rutgers' lack of speed to run their plays with finesse. The scoring drive was completed when Lathan took the Rutgers team off guard on a penalty and scored a try. The conversion was missed , but the rest of the game was dominated by the Swarthmore team which, nevertheless, was unable to score again. The final tally was 4-0, giving Swarthmore their second win after which one —Melissa Wong Erin Cornelison led the women * 4 X 441 rehy team to third place at fowson on Sunday. For a report on the men, ace pg. It. THE PHOENIX continued on page 10 continued on pate 10

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THE POENIS VOL. 2 PINTS, WE'RE NUMBER 1! SWAT, PA APRIL FOOL'S DAY ML Burns to the Ground: Nobody Notices After intensive undercover work, reporters for The Poems have learned that thwMary Lyon 4 dormitory burned to the ground over Winter Break. Fortunately, the dorm was empty at the time (with the exception of some Strathhaven students searching in vain for oregeno and other spices) and no College students or high schoolers were injured. When confronted with this information by Poem's Peter "Scoopmeister" Klipstoned, Al Frothy (Director of the SWAT team) first denied the allegations and later, upon examination of the ruins at the corner of Yale and Harvard Avenues, admitted may have been some da mage done, but it's too early to be sure." Frothy, though was "at a loss to explain why it took us so damn long to find this out." [At which point Klipstonge interjected, "What do you mean took us so long*?!?!?!? You never would have found out if it weren't for my investigative skills, you inane corrupt slimy bourgeois stupid excuse for a college administrator!] Frothy managed to keep calm and continued: "There are a veritable multitude—a plethora, even—of ways we keep in contact with the off-campus dorms: the alarm system, the shuttle, RA reports, ML breakfast from SAGA, not to mention-thrice-daily pass-by's in our new AWACS security cruiser. I just don't understand." Given these leads, our fearless Klips tone pursued each with the vigor and energy of a senior trying to complete his physical education requirements (well, a little more actually...that Is how he found out what was going on). First, "The Swanky Clipper" decided to test out the alarm system by burning a four-foot-high pile of scrap paper (containing the latest CEP proposals in addition of every Poenis article about the CEP this year) immediately under a smoke alarm with a fresh battery. After twenty minutes, the only response Klipstoned reported was one student who whined "If you must smoke, couldn't you please do it in your own room?" In regards to the shuttle, Klipstone discovered that every shuttle driver since January 19 had reported over the radio that ML was nothing but smokdering ruins, but apparently, the shuttle radio has been out of commission all semester, and the shuttle reports were mistakenly received (via satellite hookup) by NORAD headquarters in Colorado, who interpreted the message "ML has burned to the ground"as "Mai Lai has now been secured." . Frothy is still "slightly mystified" about Why he never heard from any of the RA's about thfs fact. Andy "It Came Fron Hackeysack" Standdown and Carolyn Carmelly, both RA's in . the dorm, claimed to have written a note to Frothy toward the beginning of the semester saying "in effect, the dorm is gone." After checking through his files, Frothy found the letter, which had been misfiled under "McGruff, Mister: Crime Dog." No further comment on this issue was offered. In talking to SAGA/Marriot personnel, Klipstone discovered that while they hadn't received any asftWfeJbtfeld to be brought to ML Breakfast, SAGA managers had "just assumed that everyone there had enough to eat." Said one manager, Victims try to Mlvagc their belongings from ML disaster zone. Swat buys Bryn Mawr College At its February 30 meeting the Swarthmore College Bored of Managers approved a plan for a hostile takeover of Bryn Mawr College. Yves' St. Lauren Heartless, Swarthmore College Vice PresidentNbr Mergers and Acquisitions, told a Poenix reporter that the recent fiscal troubles at Bryn Mawr led the stock to be "grossly undervalued in the market." Said Heartless "it was a real bargain." (The stock, which has been trading at about $6O per share on the American College Nationwide Exchange (ACNE), had dropped to a mere $8 per share.] CEO (Chief Executive Ogre) David *Td rather be rich than famous" Fraser said that Swarthmore, with its cash reserves (formerly known as endowment) of $875476564874 billion, was pruchasing Bryn Mawr as part of its new expansion policy. "While we wanted a larger operation, it would be difficult to expand on our current campus without serious difficulties," said Fraser. Elaborating on the difficulties, Fraser cited three problems of additional expansion: first, administrative offices in Parrish would have to be reduced in order to accomodate additional students; second, the President's Office would need to hire three new secretaries to deal with added correspondence; and, third, the Snack Bar would have to become a faculty- and staff-only establishment, and they were hoping for better food. Executive Vice President for Faculty Personnel and Academic Issues Jim *Td rather be in" England (they used to call him "Provost," but then he discovered that his salary was tied to the length of his title—unfortunately, he didn't realize that a shorter title would pay him a higher salary) explained the academic reasons for the merger: "most importantly, by combining with Bryn Mawr, we should have a much easier time of meeting the faculty mandate often black faculty members by 1990. Secondarily, we can save money on the recruitment of both faculty and students and avoid sensless competition between the two colleges, finally, we might be able to actually do something with these stupid 'Tri-College' projects." As far as the students will be able to tell, there will be very few changes because of the buyout: it will still be just as hard to take classes or live in dorms at Bryn Mawr, and the shuttle won't run any more frequently; the only significant change in tri-college relations is that Swarthmore's controlling majority will likely vote to have the tri-college van repainted in garnet and white, Swarthmore's school colors. Some students, however, looked forward to the merger, seeing positive value for at least some Swarthmore students. "Curly" Freedwoman, an RA in the Merry Lions dormitory, said that she hoped that any closer official ties with Bryn Mawr would help the "sex-starved men in ML basement find a 'Ms. Right," or at least a 'Ms. Right-Now'."AnotherML-er familiar with the hormonal overdoses in the basement thought that at least some of the basementdwellers could find a Bryn Mawr 'Ms. Righteous,' adding that I'm sure this could help Wall Paldman C9o] get to sleep at night, one way or another." Another facet of the merger that will affect student life here at Swarthmore is the food service. Following in the lead of SAG As new program to send its. leftover food to a shelter for the homeles in Chester, Bryn Mawr's food service will now ship its leftovers to Sharpies for student consumption. In terms of the academic program, Swarthmore will remain roughly the same, with the exception of absorbing the forementioned black faculty members into Swarthmore's departments to bolster that figure. At Bryn Mawr, however, more radical changes are expected: Fraser and England have already begun a list of cuts: currently, they include the departments of Physical Education, Women's Studies, German, Spanish, English, Philosophy and Mathematics; additional cuts are "imminent," said one insider privy to the action behind closed doors at Parrish 2-West. And speaking of insiders: the latest scpop has it that VP Heartless as been subpoenaed by the Securities and Exchange Commission (SEC) for alleged misuse of inside information relating to the Bryn Mawr buyout. According to court records. Heartless had contacted Ivan Boesky and Marty Siegal (Vice President and head of Arbitrage and Conniving at the investment firm of Yersucha Kidder, Peabody) about two hours before Swarthmore gave its brokers the "buy" signal. Telephone records indicate that Heartless, in an attempt to avoid discover, used the telephone in the office of The Poenis, high atop Parrish sth. The calls were both under ten minutes long, leading investigators to believe that both Boesky and Siegal had prior knowledge of the buyout, and were simply receiving word about the timing of the purchase. Heartless, who worked for Yersucha Kidder, Peabody for six years before arriving at Swarthmore, has claimed in previous interviews with The Poenis that he did not know Marty Siegal, since they were in different departments; telephone tran scripts seem to indicate otherwise: Siegal: Good morning, Yersucha Kidder, Peabody. Siegal here. Heartless: Hey there, honey bunch! It's Yves' St. Lauren Heartless. Siegal: Great to hear from you, Mr. Heartthrob, how ya' doin', you wild sex kitten? Heartless: Couldn't be better, sweety. Listen, I've got some news about...[At this point the conversation becomes incompre hensible.] At this early point, no further information is available on the status of the SEC's investigation of Heartless, though many lawyers say that "the evidence is strong enough for a long prison sentence." One lawyer predicted that the commission might sentence him to a lifetime of community service by making him give up his senior position at the College and force him to be a secretary in an as-of-yet-unnamed academic department. Bryn Mawr College A Wholly-owned subsidiary of Swarthmore College Hair Cast Tested for Drugs In a surprise move last week, the entire cast of Hair, this spring's musical Drama Board production, was sent packing; new auditions are expected within 48 hours. The production staff of the show, citing a need to support "the old guy at 1600 Pennsylvania Ave," instituted unannounced, random urinalysis testing during a rehearsal held immediately before Spring Break. Producer David Engermeister (Meisterenger) claimed that "there is a strong need to follow the leadership of our nation's President, especially in this time of turmoil." With the four other members of Hair's "Executive Committee," Engermeister set up the testing to take place during a dance rehearsal. Inside sources state that while the ExecCom did expect some people to test positively for drugs, even they were surprised that every single member of the cast tested positively. Apparently, Hair will be holding new auditions soon, and will set up urinalysis testing as part of the auditions in order to prevent any more 'fiascos," like last week, as Music Director Steve Cocks termed the testing. When asked whether the band was also subject to these tests, Cocks replied, "Well, n0...1 mean, no comment, or, um, it's just too early to tell." Engermcister added that the testing "sure left some egg on our faces." Directrix Thorn "Orange" Julius spoke of the "artistic challenge in putting together a crew-cut //«>," but added "it's something IVe wanted to do for years, ever since 1 first saw Sweeney Todd." "Of course, the tribe dynamics will need some dramaturgic revisions, but that's just the kinda thing that Astrffl Kingstone is best at." Queenstone, clearly excited by the new interpretive devices open to her, blurted that the "whole show will be like one big semiotic orgasm." Galooooooooo Gabor, official Jazzercise instructor to the production, in commenting on the "pop-quiz" urinalysis, said: "What a pisser...! can't stand the thought of teaching.s7ra/#/// people these dances!" Poenis theater critic L. Seven- Eleven was more skeptical than his Drama turd housemate: "I can't think of anything they can do to save this show... bet ween that production staff and this new drug testing, the show is doomed. I guess Company [last spring's Drama Board musical] will go down as the best dramatic effort ever done at Swarthmore." While the Hair auditions last semester were attended by 100 students, no one interviewed here was willing to predict the turnout at this upcoming round of tryouts. BC Investigation In a related story, the Butt head Committee appointed Vinnie Murrell "87 as Special Prosecutor to examine "fiscal malfeasance" in the Hair budget. According to BC Treasurer Joseph Frederick, a part of M urrell's auditing task will be to determine if Student Activity Fee funds were used to purchase drugs or pizza. Frederick explained that if pizza were bought with SAF continued on page 3 Continued on page 3 Inside the Poenis AnMfio* Corpus •pooQicwn

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A Biting Editorial This week a number of momentous and highly charged events took place here at Swarthmore. Dean Schuldenfrei resigned to assume the presidency of Jim Bakker's "Praise The Lord" TV network. Six members of the Christian Fellowship were diagnosed with syphillis. An Asian-American student was shot dead in broad daylight on Parrish lawn by white supremacist suburban guerrillas. And a team of investors led by Carl Icahn, T. Boone Pickens, and Rupert Murdoch bought Swarthmore College for approximately $2BO billion. It is in view of all this that we raise the vital question of what shall be done to remedy the sogginess of croutons at the salad bar. This has been a perennial problem for the many students who depend on the salad bar for their daily nutrition. Often tomatoes, yogurt, and Rocquefort dressing are carelessly fumbled in to the crouton container, spoiling the natural crunchiness of this food for others who come afterward. The editors of The Poenis take a strong stand against this sort of laxity, which threatens to corrode the very moralistic fiber of our community. We cannot and will not stand by idly as our crouton supply turns to mush. We urge all students to make their view known to the administration on this matter forcefully and without delay. What Do We Want? There are all sorts of burning issues out there—Student Council, tenure, budgeting, tuition, salaries, overcrowding, and housing policies are just a few short examples. It's tough for us, though to take a stand on all of these issues, us being busy students with a social life besides. So what do we do? Make sure to cover the big issues the way they're meant to be covered lots of graphs because they take up lots of space, and indepth coverage in our editorials. What it comes down to is this: What do we want? We're not sure. When do we want it? Now. Well, soon—we're reasonable people. Come to think of it, whenever you have a chance. That is, if you think it's a good idea. Or whatever...you wont give us credit for it anyhow—we really dont give a shit what you do. As long as it's done N0W...0r a little later, if you need the time. A Strong Statement You want a strong statement from us? Well, here goes: Good is good. Bad is bad. In a fight between good and bad, The Poenis has a sincere hope that good wins over bad. Well see. Thought for the Day Who would win a tree-cutting contest between the Scott Arboretum and the brothers of Delta Upsilon? I'm So Rightand They're So Wrong TRITE THINKING/ BY DIN GARBLED Stand Up for Freedom* Sigh. Once again, liberals have written several misguided polemics in The Poenis. I refer, of course, to Robin Hood Lasergun's "Nonwhites Deserve Jobs Too," Laura Lupus's "Church Should Help the Homeless," Phonathon Dorkwad's "Poverty Is A Bad Thing," Dank Taurpaulin's and Flabby Eater's "White People Control South Africa," and Guano Piles's "Education Helps Minorities." Silly them. Again, these liberals fundamentally misunderstand the points at issue. Consider the following myths: 1. Non-whites deserve jobs too. Why? Look what happens when non-whites get jobs—the jobs turn out to involve more menial labor that stunts their development and denies them other opportunities in life. In a study conducted in Peoria, Illinois, last year by Dr. Heinrich "Hank" Himmler of the Heretic Foundation, fewer than 5 percent of respondents who said they wanted jobs were non-white. Yet liberals refuse to acknowledge the obvious conclusion: these people don It want jobs. 2. The Church should help the homeless. This is a totally unsupported claim based on an utterly false assumption. The "homeless" problem has been a myth from square &*> &F:Mffmm of, the Heretic Foundation mailed a survey to over 2,000 households inthe United States asking whether they were homeless. Of these, none replied in the affirmative. Obviously, this 'problem' is an invention of welfare-state socialists. Second, even if there were such a problem, churches have no business interfering with the sidewalk life of local communities. This would be a clear breach of the historic separation between church and state. Also, according to Timegeist magazine, a whopping 60 percent of intravenous drugusers are "on the street." This means that clergymen who shake hands, bless foreheads, and dispense communion wafers to millions of congregants each week would pose a grave risk of AIDS infection to the entire population if they handled these "street" people. 3. Poverty is a bad thing. Obviously, Mr. Dorkwad has never read economist Gorged Dilder's semenal treatise, Wealth and Poverty, in which Dr. Dilder proves that poverty is a prerequisite to the development of wealth. Dr. Dilder shows, using complex econometric analysis, that the same countries that are rich today were at some time in the past considerably poorer. He thus establishes the Dilder Theorem, according to which impoverishment of the majority of the world should be welcomed as the prelude to an imminent explosion of affluence. Poverty is decidedly not a bad thing: in fact, it is clearly a boon. 4. The Government of South Africa is composed entirely of white people. Many Americans mistakenly believe this. To do so is to overlook the myriad differences in skin tones throughout the both Cabinet. Prime Minister Pieter Botha is considerably more pale than M^te/,£t,|uWr Bullets Roelof "Icepick" Botha (no relation), for example, while Minister of Tear Gas Grenades Stoffel "Tire Iron" Botha (no relation) has freckles all over his face. Minister of Random Incarceration Johan "Welts" Botha (no relation) is in fact onesixty-fourth Bulgarian, and Minister of Interrogation and Beating Anders "Mister Electrodes" Botha (no relation) keeps several mistresses of Senegalese origin. Surely it must be said that South Africa it ruled by a veritable Rainbow Coalition. Education helps minorities learn important skills for life. This calamitous fallacy, perpetrated as part of the infamous War on Poverty, is far from the truth. In a landmark 1984 study, Dr. Josef "Joe" Ooebbels of the Heretic Foundation found that approximately 85 percent of public school classroom time was spend on reading, writing and arithmetic; and the remainder was devoted to subjects requiring further intellectual effort. Yet all of these subjects will be of no use to the 60 percent of minorities in this country who work as garbagemen, dishwashers, maids, and other unskilled professions, much less the 20 percent who are unemployed due to their own sloth. The solution is simple: eliminate public education, that way, minority children who have been wasting their time in school can at least go out and find work at a ketchup factory or something. Well. I hope my incisive commentary has cleared up these liberal myths. And I hope all you Swarthmore kids who read my columns religiously are grateful that I came to this campus to save you from the life-threatening ills of big government. God knows in these radical times we need brave 1 leftover sixties beatniks to join me and my libertarian buddies in the all-new Freedom Advocates for Disestablishment (FAD). Hey, we're tan, we wear earrings, we read Ay n Rand—how much cooler can you get? "*Mr. Garbled would like to acknowledge his debt to the Heretic Foundation monograph Selfishness Made Cool: Easy Answers to Complex Problems, from which he has drawn all of his arguments and most of his words. We're So PC, We Only Eat Tofu To the Editor: We are writing to protest the recent letter, "Letters To the Editor Give Knee-Jerk New Meaning." How dare the authors criticize the already overburdened students who take the time to write letters to the editor! We must work , long hours organizing political music festivals, distributing the writings of Chairman Mao, collapsing in front of the Bored of Managers, and helping veterans starve. On top of this, it is incredible that the faculty expects us to produce papers and take examinations. How insensitive can they be to the awful conditions that nJague us? How dare they criticize Those who, having lived in such conditions, often fail to complete their work. Professors who expect such feats from the underprivileged are simply callous reactionaries. We are particularly outraged by Din Garbled's February 30 column entitled, "Jobs with P.C Means Herpes, AIDS, Nuclear Annihilation, and Imminent Takeover By Swedish Stewardesses." This is not true! Neither AIDS nor Herpes would be spread by Jobs with P.C. In fact, in last week's referendum, voters chose Jobs With P.C. over Adolf Hitler by a margin of over five to one, proving that Jobs With P.C. truly reflects the wishes of our community. Finally, we write to alert students to the upcoming campus recruitment visit by the Postmaster General's Office of Philately Design and Development. While it is true that the official functiong of this agency is to create U.S. postage stamps, few students are iware that today over two percent of these stamps are used by organizations who solicit funds to lobby for projects that support industries which contribute to PAC's that back candidates who promote plan to develop programs that further ideologies which underlie interest groups who underwrite corporations who undertake to undervalue and undercut the natural, sacrosanct, and inalienable rights of animals and vegetables throughout the* world. Anyone who wishes to demonstrate solidarity with us and other enlightened student leaders on campus should join us when we stage a group retcti-in on Parnsh porch next Tuesday to protest anorexia and bulcmia. Robin Hood Lasergun "88 Susannah Swcctgirl Derriere Fingeritch TJ7 Pansy Dumczyk "89 Moron Armpit Ts7 He's Pissed To the Editor Why do I write this? Because I'm angry. How.angry am I? I'm so angry I'm unintelligible. Why am 1 angry? I'm angry because nobody listens to me. What am I saying? I guess what I'm saying is that the reason I'm unintelligible is because nobody listens to me. Some people ha ve the gall to say it's the other way around. Well, what do they know about what it's like to be unintelligible? They try to enforce their bourgeois standards of intelligibility on other people. This is just plain bullshit. I dont need to be intelligible. I'm angry. Why cant they see that my anger is just as valid as their intelligibility? What am I saying? I dont know. But as Socrates said, at least I know what I dont know. And that's a lot. Yellin' McKnugget "87 The Poenis THE POENIS SWA RTH MO RE COLLEGE. SWARTHMORE. PA 19081 Spatula S. Egg ft Peeper B. Klapstain Editors-in-Briefs Dangle Kssmine Manacle Auditor Jock Envy ft Robber Foreskin Dated Landfill Snoozcrs Republican Asshole Gracefully Bulging Meek Howard ft Bad Skimask Fixtures Editor Shorts Edibles Candy Heartfelt Matt O'Keimel Intertwinement Editor Dogscratch Make Bedwet ft Malicious Wrong Swimsuit Editors Brawny C arotine ft Kned Swansong Scary Weaadbreatb Petit Snoozcrs s Fixtures Associate Embezwan Imam Scrod Sucker Stuffing ft Air Guitar Manager Lamb-bastc-ing Manager EDITORS DEMERITUS: Clueless P. Dark and Liam v. Sevenelcven The Poenis disavows any relationship with that limp rag The Phoenix. The Poenis was worked by The Meistcr, Eve Whoisshc, Gracefully Bulging, Swill Charlatan, and Peeper B. Klapstain. 2x DCE took the SEPTA train/Down to Yak Street USA When he got there, what did he see? The youth of America on THC.

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"we probably havcnl been too vigilant about ML this semester, but what do you expect after firing us?" The Plight of ML Refugees After visiting the refugee camp located next to the ruins of ML4, Poena correspondents are relived to report that all 108 former ML residents are surviving and even prospering in the large compound. With the exception of one RA who injured his knee while fighting for the last Pop—Tart, everyone is healthy and has been attending classes on their normal schedule [while it may be pushing it to say that certain former ML residents have a "schedule" and actually do "attend their classes," it seems that these students—and we use this term loosely—have not altered their attendance patterns from the fall semester.] Upon hearing about this living situation, the James Dean Office has arranged for airlifts of "granola, pizza, and other essentials" to take place three times weekly Fortunately, the months of January and February were fairly warm, and the refugees managed to survive by borrowing tents and other camping supplies from the Outing Club. Since the basement was used as living spaces, ML refugees found themselves ith another convenience: the men's room in Orange Carpet Basement (OCB) was left almost intact—the only losses were the two showers which really never worked anyway. While the graffiti there offends most of the former residents of ML, nature's call and forced refugees to make do. What will Housing Czar Cighead Vanatu do with the extra students who are now dormless? Since there is no room currently in any on-campus dorms, Vanatu will refund the room charges for all refugees—minus, of course, the SIOO deposit (because the refugees are no longer occupying their rooms) and basic campground fees of S3 per nilght. For the future, the Czar said that he "cannot make any decisions without the Student Houseless Committee, but I am tempted to make ML a truly alternative living situation." He added that many students (including some leaving in ML campground) expressed "an interest strong enough that 1 [Vanatu] don't care if they Ye a minority" in forming a living group on the ruins of ML "to be run along the lines of the commune in the Doonesbury comic strip." Poena sources have learned that the group of students, true to their comic-strip counterparts as well as Swarthmore's snooty intellectualism, have selected the name Walden Two for the community. President Dastardly Dave Fraser expressed concern based on "last year's precedent of searching out new study spaces when McCabre was full—and finding them in my office." Added Fraser, "As long as they don't make a mess." Dean Dammit Janet Dickcrover claimed that this burning was part of a policy of "renovating ML to make it habitable for students." Added Dickerover, "Yeah, a new renovation policy, that's it... I was going to announce it last semester but I, uh, forgot. Yeah, a renovation, that's the ticket." money, the case would be referred to the Student Judiciary Committee and appropriate disciplinary actions would be taken. If drugs were purchased, the bSTas TKllowsr first,' whether proper receipts were obtained for each purchase; and second, if appropriate legal warnings were given to those consuming the drugs. When asked what constituted "appropriate legal warnings," Frederick elaborated that "the basic model is the sign for alcohol at partiessomething like: 'lt is illegal to consume or bum marijuana or its derivatives m the Commonwealth of Pennsylvania.'" He added that advertisements for parties such as "GRASS-roots symposium on POlluTion" were perfectly "okay with me." When questioned on the issue, a spokesman for Phi Sigma Kappa fraternity stated, "I think that's the stupidest thing I ever heard of. I mean, it's not like its just Old Milwaukee or anything. Those OC hippie radicals are a threat to western civilization. Everyone knows our stand on drugs. They're bad. Just like child abuse and the democratic party." Frat spokesman denounces drags M unAmerican and bad. Poenis Takes Swarthmore's First Survey On Puke And Neato Graphs, Too! Recently, The Poenix conducted a student poll on campus vomit. The poll was taken in Clothier courtyard between 2 a.m. and 3 a.m. last Sunday morning. The poll turned up several interesting results. Most notably, the Amos J. Peaslee Debate Society was responsible for S3 percent of campus vomit, and of this a full 31 percent could be attributed entirely to Dave Bishop. Curiously, the poll also found that frequency of vomiting was related directly to alco— [nasty word deleted] consumption. As expected, frat boys turned out to vomit significantly more than other students. A full 98 percent of the respondents thought vomiting should be allowed in outdoor shubbery, and 92 percent thought it should be allowed in all three Sharpies dining rooms. Only 60 percent favored allowing it in Tarble Pavilion during room choosing, and a bare majority favored allowing it in Dupont Lecture Hall. 43 percent thought it should be allowed in Parrish Annex, and 41 percent approved of vomiting on Gordon Cheesehead's desk. 28 percent favored vomit in the' Bored of Managers Room, and 12 percent thought it should be allowed in the Business Office but only through the Tuition Window. A mere 8 percent were willing to let other students vomit on their shoes, and a scant 2 percent offered their hands. Only three of the 425 students polled said they would let other students [censored on the grounds of poor taste—Ed. note] Donald Regan to be Next Lang Visiting Prof President Dastardly Dave Fraser announced yesterday that former White House Chief of Staff Donald Reagan was the choice of the Lang Visiting Professor oi Social Change Selection Commit(cc for the 1987-88 academic year. Regan, who was forced to resign his White House post last month amid allegations involving the "Iranamuk" scandal, will be living in Ashton House and teaching two courses each leaMSterttdfiidDiznco a sriJod ' In Fraser said, "You may not like the guy, but shit—he sure has effected 'social change* nationally in the last two years. Besides, since he was involved in that Iran thing, he was a whole lot cheaper than we first expected; in fact, well be paying him less than we underpay our faculty. Loren "Have a" Heart, Vice President for Money and Stuff, added that Regan will not only be teaching, but also will be conducting staff workshops on upper-echelon management and will even be giving a series of lectures in the Chemistry Department on The Politicophysical Ch'afacWiatics of Teflon." "All in all," said Heart, "well certainly be maximizing his Because of his former stature, Mr. Regan will be living in Ashton House along with a team of ten bodyguards and two personal assistants. Some people near the White House (right in front of it actually, but they looked like they were in the know) say that G. Gordon Liddy would be one of the assistants, and that "only paperwork" stood between Lt. Col. (ret.) Oliver North and the position of Chief Bodyguard. College sources say that Regan originally wanted to live in Kendall Landis' house, but changed his mind when he found out that he would have to give between SO and 100 receptions there during the course of the year. Regan then suggested that he and his entourage take all of Worth I section, but Housing Czar Cigus Vanni refused, saying that there would be no block housing in Worth next year. Though Regan has not yet finalized his courses with the department chairpersons and the Registrar, he is tentatively scheduled to teach "Applied Hands-Off Management" (Econ 86) and "The Homeless and other Political Myths"(Poli Sci 81) in the fall, and "The Art of President James Polk" (Art History 12—a Primary Distribution Course) and Feminist Perspectives on Arms Control: Throw-weights and Silos" (Poli Sci 7) in the spring. While his other activities are still a closely-held secret, reporters for this newspaper have learned that he will be headlining a conference on "Leaks: What They Are and How to Prevent Them," cosponsored by the Political Science Department and the Student Plumbing Club. ' •'Wi^T*'^^7**^&r~- The Poems 3x RefugeesStruggleatML Continued from page 1 Cast Pissed continued from page 1 Put your conscience to the test Former Somocista {Freedom Fighters) From Stanford to Dartmouth, from Johns Hopkins to the University of Florida, the contras are recruiting students and giving them a chance to make a difference on the issues facing America. Originally inspired by Anastosia Somaza, the contras have been waging succesful campaigns to terrorize the countryside peasants, cause the government to declare emergency measures, and get aid from private U.S. sources. Bringing students and former right-wing citizens together with professional advisers from up North, the contras are committed to a strategy of winning the overthrow' of the government through hard work, creative terrorism, and thorough immorality. New members of the contras work at the-front tines of the counterrevolution to promote changes that benefit former landowners and military leaders. Past victories of contras include: The Mine our Shores Project: an American inspired and funded . operation which prevented the import and export of foodstuffs arid other vital goods to and from the country. The Outside of Channels Campaign: the contras were were able to receive funding in lean times by taking the profits of drug smuggling on planes provided by friends up North Career Opportunities Working with the contras teaches you the skills of running tropical terror campaigns: how to make land mines, how to raise funds, how to organize media events, how to lobby US Congressmen, and much more. Due to a recent resignation at our top level, the contras are searching for a new leader with good contacts with the Americans. So if you want to recreate the dictatorial conditions of yesteryear in Nicaragua, call toll-free the contras' registered agent in the US. George Bush, at 1-SOOCONTRAS. Apply for Jobs with the CONTRAS

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VANILLA FELAFEL/By SWILL CHARLATAN Normally. I don't deign to leap gracefully down from my high horse. But Yellin' McKnugget's February 30 letter attacking The New Republican article, "Tumors of Interferon," so chafed my sensitive moral palate that 1 am duty-bound to respond. Herewith is the glaring contrast between McKnugget's caricature of the New Republican article and The New Republican article itself: McKnugget: "The authors say black people have to learn to toady to powerful white people." Tumors. "We suggest that black people must endeavor to toady to powerful white people." McKnugget: "The article denies that black people have the power to free themselves." Tumors: "We are not denying that black people have the power to free themselves. It's just that they have to ask white people for permission first." As anyone can see, McKnugget entirely misses the point of the New Republican article. More important, he fails to recognize, as the wise, well-read, and white New Republican editors do, that the proper way to address the paucity of curricular offerings for black college students is through convincing 10-year-old ghetto kids that the world is waiting for them with open arms. So simple. And yet so misunderstood. I urge anyone interested in this vital subject to read the original article, in the February 30, 1985 issue of The New Republican, the world's most thoughtful, articulate, and influential journal of politics and the arts. Anyone who wishes to experience the aura of this prestigious publication further should call my secretary and make an appointment to come by my room and touch me. Want Your Foreskin Back? Write Here LETTER To the Editor: We are a non-profit resource center organized in 1986 by phyakitM. nurses, and parents to provide Up-to-date information on circumcision, America's unique and leading unnecessary surgery. The US is now the only Western or Eastern nation left in which over half of baby boys are still circumcised without a medical or religous reason. Over 85 percent of the world's males are intact (uncircumcised). The surgery, which became popular in the US ater World War 11, is slowly declining among the educated, especially since America's pediatric and obstetrical academies declared in the late 1970s that there is no health reason to subject infants to this painful surgery. In recent months we have received many letters from American males who are dissatisfied with their circumcisions and who have sought medical advice from us on foreskin restoration, lhe problems range from surgical scars to tightness and pain to sexual dysfunction because of the loss of the protective foreskin. Because these problems may be more widespread than previously thought, we are soliciting letters from readers, either signed or anonymous, on the issue of circumcision. All responses will be held in the strictest medical confidence. Specificaaly, we ask: (1) describe problems which you believe are related to the fact that you are circumcised; (2) how old were you when you first learned you had been circumcised; (3) how did you feel when you realized that part of your body was cut off; and (4) would you prefer to be intact and would you consider foreskin restoration if available to you? We also solicit comments frqm.yifact, males and females. This subject is sensitive and serious. Crank letters are not appreciated. Your responses should be sent to National Organization of Circumcision Information Resource Centers, 731 Sir Francis Drake Blvd., San Anselmo, CA 94960. Readers interested in learning more about -circumcision should send a stamped, self-addressed envelope to that address. Marilyn F. Milos, RN Director, NOCIRC Ed. note—This is a real letter. DISCARD THE POENIS Snoozer Briefs Spokesfolk for Worthless Health Center announced today that ego-control workshops will be offered to students beginning this month. The workshops will be designed for students with swollen egos—such as many honors students and anyone associated with the Amos J. Peaslee Debate Society—as well as for students with .crushed egos and lowered self-esteem. Worthless Health Center assistant Bitsy Braincell feels that the workshops will fulfull a real need on campus. "We had a lot of students coming in complaining of ego problems," she explains. "At first we thought they were all pregnant, but after a couple of months when none of them began to show, we decided it could be an ego problem after all." Bitsy described some of the symptoms diagnosed as swollen egos as "this weird pain in their right side, and then one of them was all bloody with a chainsaw coming out of his leg, and then there was that student with the huge gaping sores all over his body." She went on to add that if the ego-controhAvorkshops did not help these-students, they would try the standard Worthless remedy, oral contraceptives and Vitamin C. ★★★★★★ Citing "a deterioration of the serious, tense, academic atmosphere on campus," Assistant Dean Cigar Vannity will take two students to SJC for having fun at Swarthmore. One student was caught last week throwing a frisbee with noticeable enjoyment on Willets lawn; the other was seen laughing in a "carefree way" back in April I9BS. Vannity hopes that being taken to SJC will be "a learning experience" for the two students, as well as a warning for others who are tempted to enjoy their college career in any way. "I know it's tempting in the spring when the weather is groovy," Cigar explained. "We're doing the best we can from this end to keep things gloomy, what with our antagonistic parking policy and everything. However, the fact remains that our policy concerning fun was written up and announced to at least twenty students. The perpetrators knew full well what they were doing." Vannity's reasons for arbitrarily picking on two fun-loving froshes were...Wait...NO, I promise, Cigar, I won't tell them...No, not the chainsaw...PLEASE... In his next administrative move, Vannity hopes to promote his official Tacky Tie Fan Club. In a novel recruiting effort, the College offered Preston Polk *B7 a position on the Bored of Managers in exchange for playing football here. Bands Battle at Club Friday night marks the Battle of the Bands at the old Club when the Administration takes on the Faculty. Representing the Administration is the renowned group, "Cigus Vanni and the Constipated Love Puppets." The faculty band calls itself simply *HJnderpaid." Backing lead singer Cigar Vannity are Dammit Janet Dickerover on lead guitar, David "Death on Wheels" Fraser on keyboards, Jane Muffins on bass, and Kenny Landpiss on drums. The "Love Puppets" have a distinct heavy metal bent; their set includes a good deal of Iron Maiden, Ratt, AC/DC, as well as what has come to be known as their theme song, "You've Got to Fight for Your Right to Party." Defending their title will be the faculty band, which has pinned their hopes on Congressman Bob Edgar's hot, funky rap style. Rounding out the faculty band are Economics professor Bernie Saffron and Psychology professor Ken Gargle on triangles. Theater professor Tom Leftover on sitar, and Sociology professor Steve Porker on saxophone. Among the "Underpaid's" favorites—"You Talk Too Much." Rockin' Daddy Fruer and friends fight for their right to party. Special guest Jimmy "Manchester England" England on guitar. The Poenis 4x Dewar's Profile: Name: CIGUS VANNI Home: **Wherever my people need me.** Age: Young at heart. "Back when I was a Swarthmore RA..." Profession: Housing Czar and "Mr. Feel-Good** Hobbies: Women's field hockey, JV condom volleyball and diaphragm toss Last Book Read: True Confessions of an Acquaintance Rapee Latest Accomplishment: Eliminated "those bums in Worth I** one by one Why I do what I do: "Well, I*ll tell you, Poenis[puts hand on knee], I just wanted to work with people like you.** Quote: "I don*t remember exactly why [I wore this tie], but I had a good reason at the time.** Profile: Snappy dresser, very friendly, the kind of person your mother wanted you to meet. Is more comfortable talking about sex than David Fraser is talking about AIDS. His Scotch: Dewar's and grain alcohol—as lone as it's not advertised r

Swarthmore Phoenix, 1987-04-03 | TriCollege Libraries Digital Collections (2024)
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